Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Sooo excited! My sister Nicki is coming to visit! (JOY DANCE) Which can only mean two things...SHOPPING AND EATING...(with scores of bathroom breaks in between as we're kind of incontinent, but whatever)...but even MORE importantly, these verbs are hitched to the best adjective in the world...GUILTLESS!

That's right, guiltless, because it's a bonding ritual that we've been commanded to perform on a regular basis in order to keep families together forever, and also to make sure the scriptural prophecies by Malachi come to pass. In Malachi 4:6 we read, "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." Which can be a reference to geneology, but also, and much more LIKELY, is a reference to sisters and mothers~cheek to cheek, belly to belly~laughing, talking, shopping and eating all kinds of fat drenched deliciousness (crap.) And I know, if it hadn't been so difficult to carve onto those ancient plates, he'd have written all the rest of those words~trust me. Plus, and even MORE CRUCIAL~Do we REALLY want to be held responsible for a SMITING CURSE on the Earth? I don't think so.

So there you go.

Therefore, I've saved up my money and my calories, in order to be able to splurge while she's...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH. MY. HECK! I'm sorry! That was just TOO CRAZY to keep going with! Freakin' hysterical!!! Oh, my gosh! Aaaaaahhh! Sooooooooo funny! Oh, you guys know me too well. (tear wipe) There was no saving of any kind going on, people. NUUUUUUUNNNNNN at all. Oh my gosh, sorry, forgive me while I grab a tissue to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. Aaahhhhhh. I slay me! Just a sec, I need to compose myself. (throat clear and another tear wipe) OK. I think I can go on. (throat clear) Fine. OK. We're good.

Aaaaaaanyway...where were we? Oh yes~rewrite~I'll be doing some supplemental shopping. How 'bout that? That's more like it. And I'll think of you poor miserable, cold and cloudy February sweeties while I do it. It'll be like you're there with me, as you're in my heart, therefore it's almost like a gift I'm giving you. No, no~no need to thank me. Just thank my generous heart. (head tilt, heart pat) I think it has a secret crush on you. (ssshhhhh)

In conclusion, we have learned several things from this blog entry...1)Lisa is generous and selfless, and she's saving Earth from a curse. Greater good. 2)She is more spiritual than you, as she's able to quote scripture at will, in order to rationalize her decadence. And if Heavenly Father is on your side, you're golden. 3)Lisa is HIS (Heavenly Father's) favorite. He told her so. Just sayin'.

'Member~you're in my (making heart shape with hands in meaningful sign language) Kisses and Toodles!


kara elmore said...

FIRST OF ALL ... don't you EVER post the header with FAVORITE unless you say "nicki AND kara are my FAVORITE" because the FIRST thought I had (after gagging profusely at the smell of whatever OOD thing is being cooked (warmed) up in the kitchen) was is NICKI HER FAVORITE?? And HOW DARE she actually ANNOUNCE IT - on her BLOG none the less. That's like WRITING IT IN STONE. Stone=blog. SERIOUSLY ... you need to RETHINK how to distribute news. Because my heart started to race and I felt REALLY uncomfortable reading the post ... like I was being SHUNNED. And I don't think I should be SHUNNED. After all I MOVED back FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So - whatever "scripture quoter" (is there REALLY a malachi????) you had to ASK DAD what that really was (not that I do that...).

Wow - concerned that I'm not over this. Fix it will ya - by tomorrow.

Lisa said...

Bitty, you must not pay very close attention to my blogs. I was saying that I AM HEAVENLY FATHER'S FAVORITE. Hello!!! BTW, shopping Friday, you in? Or Saturday. Or both days.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Oh...this is just tooooo much family fun! How did Heavenly father even create such a group of sisters, your all just too funny. I mean pee your pants funny, house shaking funny, fall off your chair funny. Did you feel the earthy quake when I read this and Karas comment?
I have never seen anything like it...even in Malachi.
Well the earth did quake several times while I was at work today, laughing everytime I thought of your daughters armpit hair and you in the cesspool trying to be a "good mother".

Dont know how you do this...but don't stop( oh dear, I am encouraging you to be naughty and offensive to those you love.)

Neen said...

I will be thinking of you all day today. Green with envy! I have always said I wanted to be one of the Wood girls! So Lis, save some money so we can do our own bonding over lunch and shopping! Love ya!!!

Krista said...

I'm so excited you get to spend time with your sister who lives much too far away! She was one of my BFF's in high school. We did a lot of laughing and setting good examples for others to follow. Well, the last month of school for me - remember? I got away with 18 years of sinnin' 'cause you know, I used to drink iced tea. But not a drop has touched my lips since. Did you ever read my conversion story on my spiritual blog? I don't write on that one very often because I haven't been so spiritual lately. That's why I need to come and humble myself by reading your blog.