Monday, February 1, 2010

CRIME



Good news! We slept in a tent last night! I know. Really, really fun...if it had been in the summer...and we were camping (bite your tongue)...and the tent was in the middle of a five star hotel (that's better.) But that's another story. Back to this one~why were they sleeping in a tent?

Well, and this is kind of gross, but that's what makes my blog so intriguing and I try to set a high standard of intrigue (gross-out factor) for you all to enjoy (eschew.) We were actually sleeping in our own bed carrying on a (bum) conversation with each other. Husband would pose a (gassy) question, to which I (my fanny) would reply. And then we would laugh and laugh and laugh. We have really high standards for pillow talk.

Our blankets billowed and bulged as the flatulence flew, and just when we thought the covers would make contact, another warm pooh air bomb would explode and blow them sky high once again. Thus, the tent.

Now, we're not really sure which of us was the greater felon...we try not to point fingers as this time there was no mistaking we were both perps. But we have been able to pinpoint that an ingestion crime occurred sometime between noon and ten PM~which is the "mindless snacking" interval for our Sunday. I know. We're all about restrictions, people. Either way, with such a substantial window of opportunity, I think it's highly unlikely an arrest will take place. All we can do now is seek forgiveness from our bedroom (we're so sorry, covers. We'll make it up to you with Febreez and a sanitize wash cycle) and try not to become repeat offenders. (Yeah, right.)

But you know, friends, this is why we have a happy marriage. It's the little things~like mirthy, stinky, matrimonial beds. And sharing a cup of rabbit poop ice and Diet Coke with lime. And surprise diamond rings "just because." What? Where did that come from? That was weird.

But do you get where I'm going with this, kids? I think it's pretty obvious...if you want a happy marriage, it takes surprise diamonds. Diamonds are all that matter. Because they're little (but not too little, hint hint.) And they don't stink.

'Nuff said.

P.S.~This pic is a shout out to Brenda~she's pushing me to "improve" my blog with visual aids. You're regretting that suggestion about now, aren't you, dear? Either way, the art work is compliments of Jules. The hand is compliments of a cadaver. (Anony~feelin' guilty?)





16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I could see the "art work" clear across the room last night! I thought to myself--"what has she DONE?!?!" and then I realized there must have been some mother-daughter bonding moments last night. Aawww :)

Holy crap--is THAT what 40-something-ish hands look like?!? And then I looked at mine. I'm heading in that same direction! (screaming to the heavens)--- WHY?!?!?!

Now--go wash your sheets!!! Eewww!

Anony :)

kara elmore said...

ohhhhh my word ... the only thing I could see was your FREAKING SCARY HAND .... made only worse by holding MY hand that is EQUALLY as shameful. Please - please PLEASE put some lotion on! Do you KNOW what lotion is? Have you EVER even HAD a manicure??? Didn't they SUGGEST you get some type of "treatment" on those "folds" you call a wrinkled mess?

I can't even read any more .. no more. My eyes are burning.

oh - but I know something..... :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, I guess little sister can say anything and not be kicked out of the family. It's a good thing you love her!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

I was carefully paying attention to the artwork on the fingernails and thinking about a 9 year olds thoughts of fingernail art...had no idea this was on a cadaver hand until you brought that to my attention!

So okay, this picture taking is a great start, your on your way. Blogging book must have had an impact. You REALLY WERE HAVING A FUN TIME in the tent with your husband werent you, so gross.

I can visualize Kera running to the toilet after reading this with her pregnancy stuff going on!(and the fingernails).

My husband just walked in...he said I left my purse and mail outside...first time ever...had to rush to get another Lisa fix??? This is scarey.

Hell it was fun to see you today!

kara elmore said...

Anony ... yes - 'tis true - a sister can say whatever she wants - especially when other sister asked her to help out at YW when she barfs. But really ... if you saw ALL of the wood girl hands, you'd know Lisa's are NOT the worst. Which is why I say what I say. I can. She knows it. We all do.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

"Hell"...see what you taught me today Lisa?

You are a mixture of Jay Golden Kimball and Jerry Seinfeld in personality...I should say "you Woods girls" are.
Have you checked your geneology lately for any connection?

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

One more...Lisa and your followers...my sweet grown up daughter is now speaking YOUR LANGUAGE...on her blog. Being the good mother THAT I AM...I know I have never taught her "feces"...
www.shelliewarren.blogspot.com or go to it on my bloglist. She too is "her own person"...love it about her and she is artistic you'll enjoy her. Hey, we ARE family.

Do you know that for 30 years I would not pass gas in front of my husband...what a priss I was. Now...I can't help it and it doesnt matter! And look at all the fun we missed out on...making balloon sheets!
Like you said "men stink" so do boys.

Krista said...

Back to my motto in life: "Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?" My husband would be in big trouble if he tried to give me a "dutch oven." I hate it when he talks out of his @$$. Belching is better!

Shellie said...

Yes, for some reason your language just sticks in my head. I even laugh at myself now with my new found words.
On the subject of flatulence the rule in my house is its only acceptable if its let out by me. If my husband does it around me I act so disgusted! Your tent story is too funny, how do you put up with the smell?

Lisa said...

Yeah, Brenda. You're really crude. And obviously, I shouldn't be hanging around with you, since you have such a potty mouth. You even pass it to your own daughter...something I would be ashamed as hell to do. But whatever. You're like that.

Shellie, blame your mother. That's what she's for. And I do the same with my own stinkers~they smell like roses when they're from me. It's magical.

Krista, belching is WAY better, as I have a hiatal hernia and can dreg them up from my toes, blasting birds into buildings as I pass. It's a talent.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Your belching birds into buildings may be a big talent too Lisa...and quite entertaining for those walking behind you...must be the diet coke WITH lime.

Ali said...

.. k ... I'm trying.. to stop.. laughing... and .. I laugh .. because - shhh - we have those same conversations! Oh man, I think this one post could get me through the month still laughing. Thanks for being so honest. BTW - My YW are in love with your boys... no surprise they are cuties - the funny thing is I INSTANTLY became the best leader ever because YOU are my BBFF. Thanks for raising "HOT" (their words not mine) boys! :D

Lisa said...

Ali, what ward are you in? And I'm soooo glad that I can be there to elevate you to superstar status with your girls. If nothing else, my talent lies in producing "hot" sons. I'm sure they'd be ticked to know that I have destroyed their image on this blog. But it's all about humility, you know.

Ster said...

Where is your wedding ring?

Ali said...

It's Clfd 6th - I have about 10 miamaids & 4 laurels that think I'm a SUPERSTAR (bent knee & jazz hands)!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...Ster posted...boy is he observant...did you take your ring to be fitted for a BIGGER diamond...motorcycle revenge or something like that? You were recently drooling over the subject of big diamonds coming soon. Mine will be in the next life... I'm pretty sure of it.