Friday, February 26, 2010

SUPPLE BABY RUMP

Can I just say that I am SOOOO grateful I don't have to live my life in High Def. I was just watching some actress on TV and realized the pressure her pores are under to be diminutive, or cost their host face a job. Which is why I've chosen not to be a famous actress. Oh, they wanted me, folks. They wanted me BAAAAAAAAD. But I begged off, as I knew there was a sleazy side to celebrity...the junk called "must be a size 2/4 or less." And that right there frightened me to my chocolate filled innards.

My pores, however, were drawn like a moth to a flame. They loved the bright lights and big city, seeking the spotlight shamelessly. Unfortunately, they met up with cheap and seedy product lines, filling up with muck and debris and becoming attention prostitutes in the process. They're hardened...and soulless.

So I had no choice. I staged an intervention. Just like all addicts, they didn't think they had a problem. Their black hole appearance felt natural to them. But I consulted a specialist and after careful inspection and MIND-NUMBING EXPENSE, we came up with a plan. It's called, "aesthetician with excessively priced product line" repentance. I expect to spend the dirty harlots into submission.

There were SIX~count them~SIX IMPERATIVE PRODUCTS that should have been part of my daily regimen all along. Apparently the cotton ball toner I was using was like a band-aid to a severed arm when it comes to maintaining a weathered face like mine. Who knew?

Anyway, we're on the path to full atonement now. And it feels good, people. Supple baby rump good. And I hardly even NOTICE the lack of girth in my wallet. I guess if you want your PORES to diminish, you must be prepared to set the example with your FATTY CREDIT CARDS. All part of the intervention process.

Takin' one for the team.

Kind of like Team Edward or Team Jacob...but it's Team Supple Baby Rump Face.

(I'm having T-shirts made up. You can order them online soon. See? I'll be famous yet!)


8 comments:

Erica Borrowman said...

You have divine skin. I noticed it the other night at dinner. Now MY skin, on the other hand (because this post CLEARLY should have been about ME and NOT painstakingly PERFECT you!!), is like a swamp. A roiling, rat-infested, post-putrifee (it's a word...look it up), older-than-bats swamp. I have pores the size of Dallas, so there is PLENTY of room to host parties for your whore-pores. I am over 40, for princess sakes! I have DONE my ADOLESCENT TIME and it is my TURN to live life with teeny, tiny, tighter-than-a-snake's-butt, barely-there pores. The kind where someone says as I pass "did you SEE her pores?" and then the other person says, "well, gosh NO, I did NOT". Well, that's because they have been beaten into submission and now they are AFRAID to show their ugly dark and dirty faces to the world! But alas...they still glare back at me from the mirror and talk behind my back, making snide remarks about how it's MY fault they've all gotten too big for their britches. Something about chocolate and Ruffles with ketchup and cheese (another blog subject). Psh. So, when I'm ready, tell me what they say I should be selling my children to buy so I have nice movie-star skin. Maybe I'll just have to bask in your eternal glow...which wouldn't be bad. I could do it. (And yes, it should be very clear by now that my day sucked and I'm blowing off steam on you blog. Sorry. Great post, though...I DO feel better!)

Erica Borrowman said...

By the wsy, you really DO have lovely skin. I have yet to see a pore.

Lisa said...

Okay, that's weird. I totally did a big old response to you and posted it, but it never went through. Stupid, stupid blog. Here's what I said, in a nutshell~

HAHAHAHAHA! LOVE THE PORE-WHORES. Your skin is BEAUTIFUL and you have great lips, too. Where my lips should be is just an opening where words come out. It's more noticeable with lipstick applied. And there is already a difference in my face, even with it being the first day. I'm like, three days younger! So I'll be turning two on my 80th Bday. I'll give you Crystal's number if it continues going well.

Erica Borrowman said...

I'm a much better, and more creative writer when I'm in a nasty mood. I would have sworn, but I decided to save up my credits for when I'm really in a state. I tend to hit the keys with a little more emphasis too, so, once in a while, they wander (or the key next door cowers in fear, which must be what the 's' did when I hit 'a'...By the wsy, above). I'm such a perfectionist, I thought I would make sure you knew why I *GASP* misspelled. lol...wow. I need to go to bed. I did love this post though...I can totally relate! :)

Mimi Sue said...

The great thing about being in your 50's like me is that your eyesight is so bad you think your pores look good even if they don't. Denial is a wonderful thing and waaaaaay cheaper. Sign me up for one of the t shirts. Mimi

Krista said...

I can't figure out what's going on with my skin. I'm ready to tie myself to a bumper and have my husband drag me behind the car so I can get dermabrasion. Really. I'm too old for this. If you have great results - I wanna know!

Pauline McClendon said...

Mimi Sue,
Then you get cataracts removed and replaced with implants and once again you can see every flaw that existed ere the surgery and a whole bunch that are new and surprising.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Alot of Whore Pore going on around this place...I better go look in the mirror to see if I qualify, but then again I'm kind of like Mimi...denial and poor eyesight is working for me.
And my fat wallet is being again sucked into a home make-over. Don't get me going on my "and now we need this next" drama!
And I'll take a T-shirt too.