Tuesday, February 16, 2010

DIAMOND COWS



Ashy came home last night~just for a 15 minute visit! Sadly, I was the only one who saw him. I just hated to see him climb into his bright blue dune-buggy and drive back to Brazil. Dear sweet boy. Love him.

And speaking of love...twoo wuv...that bwessed awangement...that dweeam widdin a dweeam. (Princess Bride) GUESS WHAT MY LOVER HUSBAND GAVE TO ME FOR VALENTINES DAY?!!!

NEWER, FRESHER AND BIGGER DIAMONDS!!! That's right. Newer, fresher, bigger...because that's how many cows I am worth.

So let's discuss these diamond cows.

For those not familiar with the story, Johnny Lingo is a hot bodied Don Juan islander who fell in love with MAHANA...YOU UGLY...COME DOWN FROM THAT TREE!~a less than beautiful island girl. He had loved her from their childhood, but she'd been brought low by mean neighbors and a creepy dad~all with really BAAAAADDD wigs. (low budget movie) They thought her worthless and when BARE NAKED (except for a weensy little sarong~but I barely noticed this part, cuz I'm not gross) SMOKIN' JOHNNY WITH THE WAVY HAIR asked for her hand in marriage, they expected it would be payed for with only ONE diseased, skinny cow, as livestock was their form of currency.

While the islanders waited for the groom, the other brides all bragged of their own worth as four or five cow wives. Heifers=worth. BUT ALAS, when Lingo finally arrived, the BIG, BEAUTIFUL HEIFERS just kept coming and coming! EIGHT COWS! EIGHT COWS! Nobody have ever heard of such a thing! Then he whisked her away for months of lusty honeymoon lovin'.

When they returned, she had been transformed into a GLORIOUS ISLAND GIRL, complete with smiling capped teeth and a MUCH better wig! AND A FLOWER IN HER HAIR! Her father was FURIOUS, saying, "YOU CHEAT ME! YOU CHEAT ME! SHE WORTH TEN COWS!"

So do you see, friends? Do you SEE how cows/diamonds=worth=lusty honeymoon lovin'=flowers in hair=good wigs=my husband loves me abundantly and wants to give me lots and lots of (10) cows/diamonds in order to see what I will metamorphosis into?

Which means....I guess he's still waiting....

That first couple of diamonds evidently didn't give him quite the results he was looking for. And to be honest, I'm kind of disappointed in what he ended up with. Especially in the morning. Or anytime before noon. Or when I'm naked.

BUT, and this is important, folks, I AM willing to slather on some fake island tan, pull on a bad wig with a flower tucked behind an ear and wrap myself in a tropical print Moo-Moo. Now isn't THAT sayin' something? Yes, yes it is, friends. It says I earn my keep. And my cow diamonds.

So come hither, hubbie. THIS Moo-Moo Mahana is all yours! Lucky! (now if I could just get down out of this tree)







11 comments:

Neen said...

Wow! Thank you for the ah ha moment! All this time people told me I needed to exercise and eat right. Now I know it's not my fault I have gone down hill since I got married. IT's HIS!!! I secretly always knew it couldn't possibly be "my" fault. I just thought I had a problem with my thyroid or some other medical problem. Now I know the truth.

I just don't understand, as long as we have been friends you never mentioned this to me. You let me go for years feeling it was all my fault. Why? Was it out of fear I would feel inferior, or if I knew the truth it may cause marital discord? I see, you were more concerned about my marriage than me knowing the real truth. What a friend you truly are!!! So thank you! The only problem I see is What Do I Do With This Information? I know, since it's not MY fault, I'll go to the pantry and eat my Oreo's that my dear sweet husband gave me for Valentines day. Oh wait, their under my bed..... Ohhhh man.... I already ate them all! Since I'm not a 10 cow woman... or even a 1 chicken woman, (my wedding ring came out of bubble gum machine -his words, not mine- later lost and "will not be replaced!" ) I'll have to go to Smiths and buy more Oreo's. It's okay, I know he loves me!

Ju5tLori said...

Lisa, you never cease to amaze me! Congratulations on being a diamond cow wife!!! I always knew you were!! I buy my own diamonds so I guess that makes me a diamond cow girl still in the tree... :)

Anonymous said...

So I spent the day with Johnny Lingo yesterday at the sand dunes...and guess what?!? I forgot to look at the new motorcycle!!! Didn't even cross my mind that he was on a different ride! Woops!! I guess I just don't notice things like that! Sorry Ster...next time point it out at me and I'll oooh and ahhh :)

BUT I did notice the new diamond that Mahana was sportin' at church! See...beauty is in the eye of the beholder! New diamond/new motorcycle, you see where my taste lies...

You wanna borrow my moo-moo?

Love ya...Anony :)

Lisa said...

Neen~there's more to the story. Years later, the cows all died and Mahana told Johnny she needed milk and beef, to which he replied, "Hey, baby, you can't have your cows and eat them, too." So Mahana went to the market and bought more...BY HERSELF...with JOHNNY'S credit card. And YOU are more than a TEN COW WIFE...you're a TRIP TO EUROPE wife. :)

And just for the record, he doesn't do these things without being "prodded" either. Another cattle reference. :) If he didn't, I'd be forced to buy my own, just like you, Lori. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

Anony, so glad you have a moo-moo, too. Is it tropical?

Neen said...

I think I will have to take up Lori's idea. I guess I shouldn't complain. London will be wonderful this summer, you should join us as you both are even! Now you can go. We'll do Paris just for you. We havn't bought tickets yet...... =0) Sporting a new diamond would be the icing on the cake though! Hummm, wanna' go shopping?

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

What a Beauuuuuuuuuuutiful Diamond 10 cow woman...even I heard the proddings you gave out...its amazing he can be proded...I try. I think he calls it selective hearing.

Oh your man is wonderful to worship you!!!

(can you sense of amazing jealousy here???)

Neen I am on my way to Smiths for OREOS too!

Kim Lovell said...

Shut up! Is the first picture your old ring along with two new rings or did you get 3 rings? I guess I will have to walk my swollen body down to you house to get a peek of troo wuvin' I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day, but I wasn't surprised. My poor husband has been running his buns off taking care of our family these past weeks. He did tear up while watching The Time Traveler's Wife and he did write me a very tender letter. You gals that get diamonds-holy smokes! You are definately spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. Love ya hon.

Krista said...

Wow! I thought that was a fancy thimble! Or maybe a crown for one of your teeth! Holy Dooly! So, how's he going to ever top this Valentine's Day?

Lisa said...

Two rings~but I couldn't model them myself, as my hands would receive all the attention and you wouldn't notice the rings. The smaller ring used to be just the gold band, and he had the old diamond set on that. The bigger ring is a new diamond in my original setting. Quite beautiful, both of them.

Krista~I'm like the diamond crown idea. Kind of "rap star chic."

No need for jealousy, gals~none of it's paid for. So when you're sleeping peacefully in your beds, I'll be up wringing my hands with financial worry.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Just enjoy Lisa, sleep peacefully (hey he loves you and he has this nice motorcycle he is enjoying, we know how men are...and I don't mind being GREEEEEEN! (that's with diamond envy!)

Krista said...

Lookin' like a foo with your pants on the ground - hat turned sideways - GOLD in your mouth ..........