Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I was summoned to court last night, as apparently, I was the defendant in a VERY STRONG CASE against me, for an intestinal infraction committed sometime between 11:00 and midnight. I felt entitled, as I considered it my bonus for finishing up daughter's County projects...not that I did any of them for her, you, no, certainly not...because of course a nine year old child knows how to access and procure information for a brochure from several sources, including but not limited to Internet, pamphlets and information gathered from the original county seat, attain and display a product the community is known for, as well as design, edit and produce a float illustrating Garfield County, with all it's natural wonders, interesting but less known facts and miniaturized versions of National forests and Canyonlands.

Mmm hmmm.

That's right.

All her.


All night long, my stomach bore testimony against me.

"You're honor, exhibit A~a chocolate covered waffle cone, with freezer burn. Ms. Bingham ingested this~WITH NO THOUGHT TO BELLY OR ESOPHAGUS~expecting her actions would bring no negative repercussions."

The judge (Brain) looked at me with disdain.

Gut lawyer continued~"Exhibit B~the TUMS she chomped and chewed, thinking that would remedy the situation. Let's just say she might as well have taken an aspirin for a brain tumor, for all the good it did."

As the hearing wore on, I just hovered under the courtroom covers, growling, gurgling and emitting. There was really nothing to say. I done brung it on myself. My sentence was to be thrust out of a nightmarish sleep and forced to lay awake writhing. I deserved it...and I'm partially repentant right now...but in a few hours, well, we know what happens when you get me and a bag of Cadbury mini-eggs in the same zip code.

I PHANTOM OF THE OPERA CURSE YOU, stupid chocolate covered waffle cone and Cadbury mini eggs!

Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep, but it was futile. Too much useless and out of my control things to worry about. Brain Paparazzi, you know.

But here's some fun news...GOING TO SEE BRIAN REGAN TONIGHT! YEAH, BABY! 'Bout time for some fresh material, as the entire family can recite verbatim, AAAAALLLLLL of his old routines. Which sounds like it might be entertaining, but more often than not, makes a mother want to coral the children for "SLAPS ALL AROUND IF YOU ANSWER ME ONE MORE TIME WITH A ONE LINER!"

Anyway, it's past time for some hygiene, caffeine and Easter decorating. I'm off like a shirt at a rock concert! What? Who? Huh?

Shhhhh...nobody you know. (eyebrow lift)


kara elmore said...

ohhh SHOOT! Poor you ... all that GURGLING and stomach pains... shoot. SOOO sad. Ohh my gosh - I am dying for you. SO upset by this.

Don't feel bad for you ONE bit - miss NOT PREG I can eat whatever I want, drink 8 diet cokes, take excedrin and my belly won't expand and stretch for 9 months. Yep - NOT ONE BIT! Go complain to someone else.

Krista said...

Poor baby! Sorry you were sick. And for your cute sister - I WISH my belly wouldn't expand and I could eat whatever I want. And I also take Excedrin. Lisa, we are in the same club.