Monday, March 1, 2010

PHONE SPIDERS


My good friend Anony just called to tell me there is a SALE on our favorite blue hairspray! And that right there was enough to get me to quit screening my calls and actually pick up. Wait. No, no, no. I didn't mean I screen calls. That would be rude. I meant I practice "selective answering." That is self preservation. Apples and oranges, folks.

Even in the most beautiful summer months, we don't fling our windows wide, without making sure there is a filter~a barrier~for jumping, hairy spiders. Thus, the same is true for people pests that like to torpedo into our homes through fiber optics, making us jump and slap our own bodies as we try to "GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! AAAGGHHHHH!!!"

Just the other day, I went to Target to buy Mucinex for sniffer boy. They made me sign that, "I will not be making meth with this here booger drug." And that got me thinking that SURELY, if I have to sign about snot meds, there should ABSOLUTELY be a requirement for telephone installation. I've come up with my own list of the phone terrorists that would be on the "do not fly" ~or answer~ list:

The "What else can you do for me?" callers. I have to answer their ring with a pencil and paper in hand to record my next assignment. They are usually the people that load their plate up with boiled spinach and cold beans and weenies, let it ruminate in it's own turd-like juices for a few days, then carry it over to my house for me to lick clean, as they profess they're just "overwhelmed" by their own self-appointed burdens. Needless to say, the taste left in my mouth afterward is not necessarily minty fresh. I have to spit a lot when I'm talking to them.

The "I have once again made a HORRENDOUS life decision~as Satan is my master~which will undoubtedly bring me to my knees in desperation~certainly not prayer~and I want to give you a play by play of every crisis that I continue to center my life around, intermixed with weeping and pessimistic gnashing of teeth. Then I'll ask your advice and pretend you have made an enormous difference in my life, professing that I wouldn't know WHAT to do without you, don't ever, ever leave me, you are my ONLY FRIEND!...followed by a titanic brain fart of every call to action and death bed repentance, continuing on eternally in my white-trash ways."

The "I don't have any pots full and boiling over on my creativity stove, therefore, neither do you, so you have a wallet full of time to spend on entertaining me."

The "I know I was supposed to do something staggeringly time sensitive and urgent, but I forgot, so do you still want me to do it?"

These are just a few. I'm sure there are others. Feel free to add your own.

My sister used to answer her phone with a Raid list in hand~the apologies she could offer up to phone spiders for not being available to babysit their lamblike wee tots, that they "just can't take with me to The Walmart, cuz their (grimy paws) minds are just so engrossed in (destroying) fresh merchandise, and they somehow get their hands on 10-12 candy bars, unwrapping and taking a slobbery bite when I'm not looking, but I'm just way, way, WAY vigilant, so I don't get how they can be so lightening quick. But then the stupid cashier totally expects me to pay for them, but I'm like, "Um, hello? That ain't MY fault that you guys put candy at my kids EYE LEVEL. You shoulda thought about that before you filled your check-out lane with stuff that's gonna tempt them. That's YOUR fault and I ain't paying for it. Then I dump the piles of destroyed merchandise on the conveyor belt for her to figure out what to do with. Can you even believe her gall? Anyways, um, can you watch them for like, I don't know, I should be done around dinner time. But if you want to keep them longer and have them eat with you, it's totally fine. You can bring them by later."

The only thing that keeps me from tearing the device from the wall and letting it hang by it's wires, is that sometimes, on beautiful occasion, there is the sing-songy, lyrical ring that comes from a real friend. The "Hey, I was just thinking of you and wondered what I can do to lighten your load? Do you need a stack of twenties? How about a years supply of cinnamon bears and good-n-plenties? Or a gift card to Hobby Lobby? I would imagine you're still in your pajamas, as it's only noon thirty, so I'll just leave them on your doorstep so you don't have to be seen. I love you! And you're thin."

And that right there is why I am so adept at performing "selective answering."

No hairy "A" phone spiders need call me up. My Raid is ready.









19 comments:

Ali said...

ONCE AGAIN - I am in absolute AWE at how you just know... and UGH the spiders!!! HOW DO THEY NOT HEAR THAT THEY ARE SPIDERS? With their my life's drama is so more important then your constant efforts to keep your life in order and I don't get why you get blessings and I only get drama although I did just go against all the advise you gave me - but it's still not fair - and thus YOU NEED TO KNOW! DARN SPIDERS - go eat some other spider's time! Thanks for the laugh today - I really needed it!

kara elmore said...

ok ... SO before I present your must thought up ulogy ... which spider am I? TELL me - or I'm going to SLIT my wrists right here!! TELL ME I can't TAKE IT! Am I the one who calls and you have to have a LIST by your to record my REQUEST? Ohhh S***** that IS ME! I'm never calling again. slitting wrists now. It's over.

Lisa said...

Okay, just to set the record straight, THIS BLOG IS REFERRING TO PEOPLE WHO DO NOT FOLLOW THIS BLOG!!! IT IS NONE OF YOU! NONE, I SAY! I do NOT bite the hand that feeds me, friends. Love you ALL!

Anonymous said...

Oh Lisa, I'm sooooo glad you clarified who this was directed at cuz I almost called you! Oh wait, I DID call you and I got through (after the screening process...thanks alot) but only to deliver great news...HAIRSPRAY SALE :)
When you have your "RAID LIST" compiled, would you mind making a copy for me?
Lots of love....Anony :)

Lisa said...

Anony, you SLAY me! The cinnamon bunnies and good-n-plenties CEMENT you as a NON PHONE SPIDER. But you sealed the deal with the "thin and beautiful"...sincere compliment. I could tell you meant it. Also, the dance pictures were divine! Beautiful daughter you have!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

theres going to be some major paranoia going on around this post...by the way...what is your phone #? (just kidding).

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

What are you really trying to tell us here Lisa: that you have a life.

Krista said...

I like that - phone spiders. I think some one from my neighborhood just entered that species. I will avoid her phone calls and not return her calls under any circumstances. She asked me (less active member but trying even though I bawled my eyes out after coming home last week) to provide a dinner for someone's family who just had a baby. Not a problem right? Well, she happens to mention that "He doesn't like casseroles and he doesn't care for cheese." WTH? So I thought for sure I would make him an extra cheesy casserole but my neighbor who shared the load offered to make a roast. What is this? I barely cook for my family! If he doesn't like what I make he can go buy a freakin' burger! Okay, so I had an attitude because I thought that was a little out of line. Allergies are one thing, catering for a husband's pickiness is another. Did he have the baby? NO! So yeah, I need more prozac - I mean caller ID that screens spiders. Especially OCD spiders.

Neen said...

Yes, I called today too. I, of course was once again denied any access to you and I only had a quick question. No favors, nothing. So I see that all my pre-existing paranoia was not in vein. It's true, It's true, I am a spider. I suppose I'm on the Raid list. You know it hurts my feelings! =0(

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Especially the OCD SPIDERS...oh the OCD spiders. I have got to memorize their phone numbers. They are the hardest to be rid of...but sometimes taking your foot and twisting where raid tends to not completly do the job works for me... but even then.

I do love your last paragraph, I pet that species, keeping them around for a long time.

Lisa said...

Neen, I saw on caller ID you called, but it JUST SO HAPPENED to be when I was gone to a meeting in Farmington with my MOM...and Brenda can attest to that, as we stopped by her shop on the way home. Huh, Brenda? Huh? Why didn't you leave a message? Kind of funny that the day you call is the day of this post. :)

Ali~you were the first to respond. You must REALLY have a lot of phone spiders in your life. I've got extra RAID, if you need some. Thanks for being so nice!

Krista~ "He doesn't like cheese?" Well, then, hmmmmm, maybe he shouldn't be having children, as he may still BE one. :) But on another note, so glad you went to church. You're a good woman and you can do hard things. Even if you have to have a good cry afterward. Love you!

Brenda, so glad you understand, too. We've started a new term, ladies. Phone spiders. We'll have T-shirts made up for THOSE, too. Team Supple Baby Rump Face AND I kill phone spiders. What do you all think?

Kara Elmore said...

ANDDDDD once again ... notice she did NOT mention ME _ her SISTER by name when saying "don't worry LOVED ONE WHO FOLLOWS THIS BLOG .... this post was NOT about you!"
Jerk.
Whatever.
:)
OK - no REALLY .... I have had a HARRIER spider friend than ALL the harry spiders mentioned in this post (which, I KNOW none are about me. right? ... pictures/uhhhhh/computer work/uhhhh pac mac saver!!!) ANYWAY - I called her my doctor phil friend because she asked to WATCH that show at my house - the WHOLE HOUR while I "entertained" her children. Her tv was broken. She probably forgot to plug it in. THEN - she asked if I could watch her child (who was breast feeding - and the mom decided to WEEN the morning of my babysitting fest) while she attended a neighborhood get together. I didn't think twice before saying YES .. I"ll serve you. ONLY To watch her WALK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD Party BEHIND ME - to which I WAS NOT INVITED TO. And then she was FOUR HOURS LATE!!!!!!!!
THEN - THEN she had the nerve to call me right before I moved to tell me she FORGAVE ME. Apparently somewhere along our friendship I offended HER
HARRY - HARRY spider. Is that how you spell that???
And NO - it was NOT you Lisa - not at all ... I promise. (don't read the 3rd time - you may THINK it's you!)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Lisa...my problem is really not the PHONE, but being the nice shop owner that I am I am using the phone as my decoy for other things.

Maybe email spider t-shirt for me...I just tangled with a black widow spider last night who wanted to fight first...but, that's when I put my foot down... the wind came along afterward and blew it all away! Best to be a selective email reader too, don't you think?

Kara Elmore said...

I meant THIRD LINE. Don't read the third line ........... :)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

When were you at the shop now Lisa?
Any evidence?

Lisa said...

I HAVE THE EVIDENCE IN THIS BEAUTIFULLY DRESSED BAG, BRENDA. Don't go throwin' me under the bus, young lady! Boo, I never even CONSIDERED that I might ask you to do stuff when I called...(YW lessons when you're pukiey) but since you mentioned it, I do have a favor to ask. I'll call you later. And YES, Brenda, e-mail spiders are just as bad. But you can always pretend your computer went down. Boo, it's totally not you. I thought I'd made it clear right at the top of the comment section~LET ME REITERATE~NONE OF THESE PHONE SPIDER MOCK-UPS ARE ANY OF YOU, MY DEAR BBFF'S! There. Done. Now stop seeing yourselves where there is no mirror.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

See what you started!

Ali said...

I love the idea of the shirts! I would get one in a heart beat.

Anonymous said...

Fellow blue and shoe readers I don't think we should be the least bit concerned with whether or not we are a phone spider to this amazing, beautiful, and thin woman. It is my sad but honest admition that any day anyone could be one of my phone spiders depending on me and my mood!!! After all it is "all about me"!!! Love to all