Thursday, March 11, 2010

PIONEERS

Oh my heck, Brian Regan ROCKED! PAPER, SCISSORS, ROCKED, friends! However, my children and husband...and OK, yes, me...have fifty hunnerd new one liners rolling around in our consciousness, just WAITING to shoot out of our mouths all willie nillie and misdirected. You might want to shun us for a few months, till the newness of the funny wears off. GODSPEED! Hahahahahaha!!! Oh my heck, see? There went one right there! Seriously, shun me for a while.

Sooooo, Jules puked this morning. And I sent her off to school as soon as she'd blown the cereal out of her nose. (She was TOTALLY GROSSED OUT that your mouth and nose share the same tubes and they're not really particular about which path the barf travels. Therefore, Apple Jacks may just as readily come out a nostril.) Anyway, does sending her to school after that make me a "bad" mother? I prefer to think it makes me a "mother concerned with character development, because the Pioneers had to do stuff like that all the time, but they didn't have a toilet to hurl into, and then they'd use their skirts to wipe it off, and have crusted vomit on them until they found a river to wash themselves and their clothing in, which would usually have dung swooshing around in it, so it's not like it was a sanitary wash cycle like we have access to now. Plus, your pioneer program is today, so what better way to get in character than by hurling, wiping and carrying on in the work?" That's what I prefer to think. Don't call DCFS, and I'll keep my suspicions regarding your parenting skills between me and my "friend." But just so you know, we talk about you a LOT. A REALLY LOT.

And just like Jules puking, Second Son has gotten "relatively cool-ish car" out of his system, too. Which incidentally coincided with his first gas tank fill-ups that he had to pay for himself, as well as the realization that he could actually SEE the needle dropping as he drove around the block. A horsepill dose of reality is always good to rid a kid of the illness named Vanity. So he sold his sporty two seater and opted instead for the blank canvas called "Nissan with peeling putty job." The adoption process went remarkably smooth. All it took was eight cans of black and white (bi-racial baby) spray paint to make him feel like a proud papa. We're carrying on the great and admirable tradition of eyesores on the road.

Anyway, I'm off to tutor. I may send my kids to school barfing, but by DA%$, they're gonna be good readers! Buh bye!











7 comments:

Linda said...

First- Brian Regan is da bomb. We need some new one liners because we're tired of our old stuff. Take Luck!
Second- I would have done the exact same thing and sent my kid to school. So that makes you a GREAT mom!

Megan Dewey Clark said...

oh the eye sores... Nate and I had a great eye sore. Kermit, the leper... I loved that car even though he was peeling and rusting

Anonymous said...

WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU!!! No wonder the swine flu spreads like wildflowers!!! GREAT...now I know it will be spread instantly to Max and I just BARELY got him BACK to school after a WHOLE MONTH OFF!!!

Just teasing :)

Need to borrow my barf bucket? Actually, you could just keep it :)

Feel better Jules!!! Love, Anony

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

so glad you have some more one liners...I read the first paragraph and got into the first two words and had to comment as I sat down with my take-out dinner...so I will come back and finish reading when dinner is done. As I can see Jules is sick. She is family so i must be concerned, right?

When I see you have posted for the day I just bury my head in my hands and go "oh no" what is it today she has to say?"

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Could you just erase my post above...I should never post to you right after working all day and driving freeway, you always put me into some kind of shock.
again...I meant to say I got into the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph and had to have a "time out" to eat dinner.
Now back to Pioneer women story...
Well, we are tough too...gee they never had to spray paint ugly cars, buy much gas, worry about whore pores and soggy apple jacks coming through their noses. And there were extra women to help with their daily chores and childrens puke.

Lisa said...

Yeah, Brenda! We are SOOOOOO as strong as pioneer women. Or maybe you are...me, not so much.

Anony, we used a mixing bowl instead. Seemed to do the trick. And as she was mid-puke, I told her the Megan story of throwing up on the toilet bowl lid. It seemed to cheer her up, so tell Meg thanks for that.

Megan, you and Nate DID have the very best eyesores ever to behold. Nothing quite so heart warming as memories of ugly cars with people/frog names.

Linda, Brian is TOTALLY the bomb shiz! His new stuff is excellent, too. Or maybe I was just loopy with the excitement of being so close to greatness. OR maybe I was just laughing longer and harder than anyone else, because they made the mistake of telling the audience that they were taping this performance to make a CD. Big mistake. Huge.

Krista said...

I wouldn't have sent my child to school after throwing up!!! I would have kept her home and called in to work and taken her shopping! I got MY priorities straight!