See, the dress I ORDERED was the fantasy catalogue model~which they apparently ran out of. The dress I RECEIVED was the reality version. So they pulled the old "bait and switch." Which is illegal, people. But when the Sheriff arrives at their door, they would tell him that it was EXACTLY the same dress, and show a swatch of the lemon yellow checks to prove it.
And the Sheriff, being A MAN, wouldn't realize the lie he was being told, cuz he has no idea about cut, fit and flatter. So he'd tip his hat and smile and say it must be a misunderstanding, that he'd write up a good report and for them not to worry. Then the manufacturers and shipping and handling would go back inside, close the door and collapse in a heap with MANIACAL LAUGHTER at what had just transpired.
So as I yanked the reality version over my head, (where it got stuck, as even my FREAKIN' HEAD IS TOO FAT FOR THIS DRESS,) I caught sight of the tag. It read~YEAH, NO, THIS REALLY IS YOUR FIGURE AND WOW, WE ARE SO SO SORRY. IT IS TRULY DREADFUL AND FANTASTICALLY UNFLATTERING ON YOU. IN FACT, IF WE'D KNOWN THAT YOUR BOOBS WOULD LOOK SO...WELL, ENORMOUS, AND SETTLE IN DIRECTLY ATOP YOUR ABDOMEN, LIKE A PIGEON ON A NEST, WITH ONLY A CREASE FOR DIFFERENTIATING, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY WE'D HAVE RETHUNK THE WHOLE IDEA. NOPE, A SWEATER WON'T HELP. NICE TRY. AND LIKE A BOX OF B B's SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR, WE WISH YOU WELL IN GATHERING UP YOUR SELF ESTEEM.
So there you have it. Damm reality.
But what's a girl to do, friends? Walk around nekked, in heels? We all know a stout girl's best friend is a pretty pair of pumps...and a tape worm....but I don't know where to buy those. And yes, I do have a built in flesh apron, so I wouldn't be COMPLETELY nekked~maybe I could add some rick-rack or something~but that would probably do more damage than good. I'm just thinking out loud here.
I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I just know that it has yet to be found in my boxes of doughnuts and bags of Cadburys.
But I'll keep searching. Not giving up.
In the meantime, I'm going to buy some rick-rack. And maybe some hot pink furry ball trim. I could attach a couple of those for pasties, too, so as to be modest in my nekkedness.
Hey! A new chick trend! We'll be FLESH APRON, PUMPS AND PASTIE PIONEERS! And yes, it was all my idea, but I'm sharing it with you.
You're so lucky.