Friday, March 26, 2010

FLESH APRONS

Alrighty then...so, the highly anticipated and much admired Vintage Yellow Gingham Dress came in the mail the other day. No. No, I didn't mention it to you right away. There might just be a reason for that. One explanation could be that it was the wrong version of the dress.

See, the dress I ORDERED was the fantasy catalogue model~which they apparently ran out of. The dress I RECEIVED was the reality version. So they pulled the old "bait and switch." Which is illegal, people. But when the Sheriff arrives at their door, they would tell him that it was EXACTLY the same dress, and show a swatch of the lemon yellow checks to prove it.

And the Sheriff, being A MAN, wouldn't realize the lie he was being told, cuz he has no idea about cut, fit and flatter. So he'd tip his hat and smile and say it must be a misunderstanding, that he'd write up a good report and for them not to worry. Then the manufacturers and shipping and handling would go back inside, close the door and collapse in a heap with MANIACAL LAUGHTER at what had just transpired.

So as I yanked the reality version over my head, (where it got stuck, as even my FREAKIN' HEAD IS TOO FAT FOR THIS DRESS,) I caught sight of the tag. It read~YEAH, NO, THIS REALLY IS YOUR FIGURE AND WOW, WE ARE SO SO SORRY. IT IS TRULY DREADFUL AND FANTASTICALLY UNFLATTERING ON YOU. IN FACT, IF WE'D KNOWN THAT YOUR BOOBS WOULD LOOK SO...WELL, ENORMOUS, AND SETTLE IN DIRECTLY ATOP YOUR ABDOMEN, LIKE A PIGEON ON A NEST, WITH ONLY A CREASE FOR DIFFERENTIATING, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY WE'D HAVE RETHUNK THE WHOLE IDEA. NOPE, A SWEATER WON'T HELP. NICE TRY. AND LIKE A BOX OF B B's SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR, WE WISH YOU WELL IN GATHERING UP YOUR SELF ESTEEM.

So there you have it. Damm reality.

But what's a girl to do, friends? Walk around nekked, in heels? We all know a stout girl's best friend is a pretty pair of pumps...and a tape worm....but I don't know where to buy those. And yes, I do have a built in flesh apron, so I wouldn't be COMPLETELY nekked~maybe I could add some rick-rack or something~but that would probably do more damage than good. I'm just thinking out loud here.

I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I just know that it has yet to be found in my boxes of doughnuts and bags of Cadburys.

But I'll keep searching. Not giving up.

In the meantime, I'm going to buy some rick-rack. And maybe some hot pink furry ball trim. I could attach a couple of those for pasties, too, so as to be modest in my nekkedness.

Hey! A new chick trend! We'll be FLESH APRON, PUMPS AND PASTIE PIONEERS! And yes, it was all my idea, but I'm sharing it with you.

You're so lucky.







10 comments:

Kara Elmore said...

Is there SOME WAY that you could include THIS entry in the book submissions????

I'm sad though really because you failed to mention ME showing up at your door, in need of ice and SOME type of food that i didn't have to prepare as you were being MAD at this stupid yellow dress ... and ME pulling up MY dress to make you laugh. Why didn't you mention that? huh.. huh?? why?

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

I can't be sad with you because I am just taking a little break with what is left of a carton of burnt almond fudge frozen yogurt my husband somehow ate the whole thing without me seeing him...I'll show him I thought as I sat down to read Lisa's blog.

Oh my goodness...you make me laugh out loud so hard, that's why i can't be sad like Kera and upset like you cause the story is just too funny! This must be published.

How did your mind ever survive before blogging...you haven't had all this trapped inside you forever have you? Who took the brunt all these years Lisa?

And... did they laugh out loud too???

Erica Borrowman said...

Oh, my gosh, there are no words. No words. You have ALL the words and not one REAL word do I have to describe how really funny this is. And it's only funny because it's true (ok, maybe that's why it's less funny). Why just last weekend, druing my trip down to 'warmer' climates, I came across the CA-UT-IST skirt! Not kidding...it was so adorable...red and fuschia roses outlined in black...white background, staring at me from a storefront window. Summer on cotton, I tell ya'. I slipped right in there, found the size I USUALLY wear and flipped out my debit card - happy as a clam sitting on a beach in 57 degrees thinking it was 90. Denial. It can be a treacherous path. The skirt in the window wasn't even on a real-life model...there was a headless, pasty, mannequin wearing my skirt, looking all trim and fashionable. What dreamland was I in??! Well, got home...doesn't fit. Not me or half of me. It's on the shelf right now, screaming at me - blaming me that it will never see the light of day because I can't deal with reality in the moment. So there. I one-upped you. At least your fantasy was 2-dimensional. Mine didn't even have a head. Seriously, though - so funny. That boob thing is awesome and I can totally relate. I've seen more creases in the last two years than I did reading the first million pages of The Hobbit. Blog on, my girl...blog on! :)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

This is what we must be going through this time of year...as this morning I was checking out the closet and I just started throwing everything in a pile for the thrift shop, there wasnt anything I wanted to keep. I hated it all! Its snowing and its march 26th so we must be confused.

Lisa said...

Ok, what the crap? Once again, I've spent HOURS writing a comment back to y'all and it's NOT HERE! Stupid crap computer. Anyway, it went something like this...Erica, I LOVE the "summer on cotton" comment! And then I said other complimentary stuff about loving you, you're pretty, etc.

Brenda, I said, "I NEED SOME ICE CREAM!" And that I'd feel better if I threw away most of my clothes, but there's nothing to replace them with. Except rick-racked flesh aprons. And pasties. No good.

Boo, had a wonderful time shopping our ugly weather grief away today! Love your teeny tiny "Oh, I've gained 6 pounds in my four months of pregnancy. My jeans don't fit" heart.

Linda said...

1. I hate ordering clothes online for that reason. Are dressing rooms are also depressing so I am going to cover myself in tats and go naked.

2. Most clothes are not built for real women of subtance. That is why we all need to learn from Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink and sew our own clothes.

3. Sorry you did not invent that pasties look. I live in Vegas and it has been done!

4. I left you an award over at my blog! Hopefully that will make you feel better!

sandra said...

Oh Lisa, you are so so so so funny. At one time in my life, I paid my therapist (a man, a stupid man) $70 a week, and I never felt understood or heard or helped. Then you come along, and you speak the words that I hide deep in my heart, the ones we hide and don't let anyone know how we feel, and you make it funny, bearable, reality, and most importantly , you are the best therapist ever and I dont have to pay you one thin dime to make me laugh. You lift my spirits (and soul) so keep blogging on, oh yes, and when I read about huge boobs and cleavage and all the problems that goes with that, I am finally at last thankful for my little boobs! Love you and your blog! Keep on saving me!

Krista said...

Yeah, boobs. I think you should just buy a couple of children's Easter Hats and put one on each breast and call it good. Kinda like the coconut bra concept, but lacier. I've resorted to skirts and shirts. No pull over dresses. I guess you can save your dress for home. Pictures! Please post pictures!

Lisa said...

Sandra, I am SO GLAD I COULD SAVE YOU CASH! Cash that you can NOW spend on either chocolate...or ME? Either one will be fine. As long as the chocolate IS for me. :) Such kind words. LOVE YOU and your weensy boobs!

Krista, coconuts and Easter hats~niiiiice. You first. :) Hey, how in the JUNK do you post that one link for The Secret is in the Sauce? I am so not adept at "posting on my sidebar" and stuff like that which seems pre-school, but is more chemistry meets trig, for me. I need a how to.

kara elmore said...

hahahahahah!!!!!!! did you SEE the ad above for KIDS APRONS??? LOVE the ads that come because of the words you choose! FLESH vs. kids!!! :)