Wednesday, March 31, 2010

PROBING

HEY, GUESS WHAT THEY DO TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE OVER FORTY YEARS OLD?! GO AHEAD, GUESS.

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT...AND YES, I KNOW I'M SCREAMING, BUT THAT'S MY BRAIN, NOT MY MOUTH, AND IT'S JUST EXPERIENCED SOMETHING TRAUMATIC, SO IT CAN'T HELP ITSELF. ANYWAY, BACK TO GUESSING. NEVER MIND. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT FOR YOU.

THEY EXAMINE YOUR rectum!!! THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. rectum.

I KNOW! SO IT WASN'T ENOUGH THAT THEY "ABRA CADABRA UTERUS WANDED" MY INNARDS, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT'S ANOTHER THING THAT THEY DO, BESIDES THE PAP SMEAR, AFTER YOU TURN 40 AND ARE CONSIDERING A PERMANENT END TO CREATING LITTLE PEOPLE. APPARENTLY, THERE ARE JUST AAAALLLLLL KIIIIIINNDDDSSS OF PROBING, ( holes) SMUSHING (boobage) AND DRAWING (blood) TO BE DONE.

AND NOW, THE WEATHER IS SO HIDEOUSLY UGLY THAT THE REWARD SHOPPING TRIP WILL LIKELY NOT TAKE PLACE, WHICH LEAVES ME NO ALTERNATIVE, PEOPLE, BUT TO COMFORT MYSELF WITH OLD, DESTRUCTIVE COMPULSIONS. AND I FEEL SAD ABOUT THAT. AND A LITTLE BIT ASHAMED, SINCE I MOST LIKELY LIED TO THE DR. ABOUT MY REFORMED DIETARY HABITS. SOMETHING ABOUT "ALL BETTER NOW."

BUT YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET FREAKIN' BIPPY THAT THERE IS A MIXING BOWL FULL OF CANDY THAT WILL BE IN MUH BELLAH TONIGHT!




11 comments:

Krista said...

Oh my Hannah! I ain't going to the doctor to get probed! I have nothing to say about that. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. You could have gone sledding afterward - without a sled! Wow.

kara Elmore said...

I told you in the text .... slit them now. End it all. Life is NOT worth going on for. The probing and swabbing and dabbing ... that is CRAP!!!!! When they asked your permission - WHY didn't you say NO??????

It's your own fault. You shouldn't have gone. Next time back away and do the exams yourself.

There - problems solved.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

So that means Kara is going to deliver her baby all by herself now...so there is no probing, swabbing and dabbing.

Old age really isn't for the weak.

Eat that whole bowl of candy okay!

Cindy Geilmann said...

Thank you for the big laugh. I can feel your experience so well. Been there, done that. I quess it can get worse. We can have somebody changing our diapers. Ha Ha!

come see me
cindy@stitches

Neen said...

Lis, is that truly the first time they ever probed that part of your body? Really? I can't believe we haven't discussed this! Sorry you are no longer a rectal virgin!

Kara, I've never had a doctor ASK permission to do anything. Are they suppose to? Well then, I want my money back!

Linda said...

I have NEVER been probed there! My hubby would have to buy me dinner AND dessert for that! So sorry. I'll eat some more candy on your behalf.

I am staying at my bro-in-laws in Draper. Loving you crap weather. Thanks.

Lisa said...

Linda, your Dr. husband must be cheap~didn't want to have to pay for dessert. Lucky, lucky, lucky cheap Dr.s wife. Soooooo lucky. Yeah, and sorry about this junk falling out of the sky and LANDING all over the place. Happy Spring Vacation to you!

Neen~yes. Yes, I was a bum virgin. And now, I weep at my loss of innocence.

Krista, stay strong~don't do it! it's horrible. Well, I guess that's totally subjective and relative. And Brenda, THE CANDY IS GONE! I burped it up all night. But it was worth it. The pain is a dull ache now. Thanks all for your blog misery loves company help. I feel better now. (burp)

McClendon said...

I am blessed. I have finally found a provider that will not try to force me into anything I do not want to do. Once I have said "NO" to ALL probing, the subject is over. If I say "NO" to blood tests, the SUBJECT IS OVER! I have hypertension and the dread has always just served to raise it into stroke altitudes. I may die of something dire or, more likely of old, old age just as all my recent ancestors have done but I will have lived comfortably with my hangups.

Lisa said...

Yes, speaking of hypertension, immediately upon walking into the back, I peed in a cup, stood on a BODY FAT MONITORING SCALE, was weighed and hand my finger stabbed for a blood sample, and THEN, they wondered why my blood pressure was high. I also had rumbling around in my brain what awaited me in the exam room. Surprise, surprise that it looked like I could have just come in from running a marathon. Not gonna be a true "resting heart rate." There was no rest going on in my entire body.

Anonymous said...

This new idea to check out our rectums comes from the IRS handbook where they go through your system with a 100 power microscope, starting with the "out" hole. That's what government does. They start there. So does Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac anymore. That's the world they live in. And now doctors! What's the world coming to?

Kay said...

Lisa, you are indeed fearless. Someday I hope to be able to learn how you do all those font changes.