Tuesday, March 16, 2010


Okay, so HERE'S SOME FUN NEWS!!! Wonder why I haven't posted yet today? No, it's only partially because of sloth. The BIGGER reason is because...

I'm writing some submissions for a BOOK! (GASP!) That's right, A BOOK, I SAY! Go ahead, rub your eyes all you want. It'll still say the same thing.

How? Well, there once was a beautiful, talented girl named...yes, that's right, Lisa. Aw, you're so good to me. But that's not where I was going with this...named Jesse Clark Funk. And SHE was under a witchy spell that convinced her that Princess Lisa would be a great collaborator for a book she was publishing. What she didn't know is that Lisa can't. be. trusted. to be refined. And putting her alongside Jesse and others in this book is akin to polishing a turd, then comparing it to real diamonds under seer stones.

Fortunately, the average citizen doesn't OWN a seer stone, so unless they sniff really hard and figure out something is amiss, they might be fooled into buying this book.

I won't bore you with the innards of this story. Suffice it to say that I'm working on my submissions, and if you have any favorites, speak now or forever hold your noses. Just sayin'.

By the way, kind of pathetic "comments" lately. Only a few stalwarts to give me love and esteem. To which I give a sweeping THANK YOU, DEAR LADIES! But to the rest of you, another raised eyebrow. Cuz remember, I'm going to be famous, soon. And you'll WANT to know me then. This time right here is payin' your dues for the glittery connection that is to come. Union dues, people. Or blog dues. Whichever.

Anyway, get some comments a comin'.

Kisses! (that was an insincere Hollywood type farewell. gag)


Erica Borrowman said...

LOL...you crack me up. I gave you my faves, dear girl. Use 'em or lose 'em. Well, the use 'em part anyway. I love your blog...it's so you. Love you a ton! Good luck!! :)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Here to give you more Love and self esteem...could never pick a favorite Lisa, they all are fav's.
I think it's the unexpected you dish out that is my favorite.
We all need to laugh.
Will buy the book...not paying blog dues!
That will make you famous but not AS rich.
Exciting news!!!

Krista said...

Just don't forget us little people (or not so little people)! Just remember who is the most loyal in leaving comments consistently and loving you whether you are famous or not! ;-)

Joe S said...

This is most excellent news. I think you should submit one about a jazzy and its occupant.

Mimi Sue said...

Congratulations! Can't wait to see the finished project. ALL are great can't pick just one. Mimi

Anonymous said...

One of these days I need to hear the WHOLE story of the book deal. The 45 seconds of trying to talk to each other in church didn't quite cut it!

Thank you for the birthday gift!! What's better than Easter candy (and the cute tin it came in)?...4th of July taffy. What's better than taffy?...Halloween candy corn! What's better than Halloween candy corn?...Christmas caramels. And what's better than Christmas caramels?.. Valentine's chocolates. And what's better than Valentine's chocolates, you may ask?...Easter candy. I LOVE THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!!!

AND I LOVE YOU......Anony

kara Elmore said...

bla bla bla ba bla... my sister is so great! bla bla bla bla ... she doesn't have stretch marks ... bla bla bla bla - her kids are the most beautiful!
bla bla bla bla .... she is SO funny. bla bla bla bla ... her photography is superior to the others.

THOSE are the entries I'd like for you to submit. Not consider. SUBMIT!!!

So proud of you. You know that. You are brilliant and hilarious beyond years and now FINALLY I get to live through you and your fame! What shall I wear??

Ok - but REALLY now ... it actually makes me tear (big drops) when I realize someone gets to really live out a DREAM!!! Because for the most part, life is just normal. And knowing you get to be ABNORMAL is beautiful to see. And you are worth it. And your words need to be read. YOu are a blessing in how you conduct yourself, your words, your dress, your spirit. And to show others that ... I LOVE IT!!!!!! And I love you!.

Lisa said...

Ok, people, ok. These are some nice comments we got going here. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. The dues are rollin' on in and it's a good thing, because I'm totally taking you all to the top with me. And by the TOP, I am of course, referring to A SHOUT OUT ON MY BLOG...since the book isn't really MINE, but rather HERS...but that's OK. A shout out is a shout out, right? And I'll glue and sprinkle all of your names individually with sky blue glitter. Thus, the glittery connection I spoke of. See, it's all coming together. LIVIN' THE DREAM! Love you all!

Linda said...

Okay I so want to be you when I grow up. So when you are on Oprah promoting your book can we be your geeky blogging friends gawking at you in the front row?

Sunshine said...

I get a pass because I'm family and you HAVE to like me!!!...I don't care if you like the other family people, but you HAVE to like me. It's in the contract... oh yes, the one you signed. i have the copy right here. It clearly states:

"Therefore, as previously stated by Lisa, this contract verifies that Sara (her niece) will be entitled to half what Lisa earns in accordance with any book contract, blog contract, or overall increase in income due to Lisa's comedic timing. All others will receive nothing."

Um humm...

Right here baby!

Oh, and it also says something about not having to comment on all of your posts because I'm Sara, the favorite, wonderful, spectacular niece and you love me... yada yada.. blah blah... Sara's the bomb!


Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

What now...family gets part of the money...remember Lisa we are family too, counting my 4 children, don't forget.

Kera...You just HAVE to comment on every post Lisa does because I die laughing over you too..it wouldnt be the same without you, no way. Love your "moody pregnancy" state of mind your in...makes for some good come backs.

wow, I just wrote this after being in SLOW traffic for ONE HOUR! what a nightmare out there today on the roads.

Lisa said...

OK, Brenda! I just returned from driving for a FREAKIN' HOUR AND 45 MINUTES, when it should have taken only half an hour! I am soooo sorry that you have to drive in that junk every day! Agghhh! I'm still mad! Fortunately, any and all words said in the cab of a car cannot be heard by Heaven. Lucky.

Sara, I think you got me all liquored up to sign that there contract. I cannot be held accountable for my drunken state, though I still do love you. But that part about not having to comment is total crap.

Okay, so Linda, your assignment is to check for bats in my cave. Kara will tell me if I have lipstick on my teeth. Brenda will remind me to keep my legs together, etc, etc. You'll all be front and center and we'll all wear blue pumps and glittery blue eyeshadow! We'll have our own secret club! Now THERE'S an idea. Anyway, all of you will be necessary to my success. Duh. So plan on receiving tickets in the mail...it's a done deal.

Sunshine said...

oh no Lisa, there's even a clause in it that says "I Lisa, knowingly, and willfully (even though I am drunk) sign this contract and deem Sara fully worthy of receiving my inheritance." and "she doesn't even have to comment a million thousand times on my blog because she freaking rocks and I'm not worthy, so that's why I am giving her all my money"

So, um, ya, better luck next time!

sandra said...

Because you are so talented and funny and I spotted that before you got the book offer, I want to be included in your groupie as well, besides, I laugh out loud at all your stuff, so you can count on me to laugh when someone else might not get it! YOU GO GIRL!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Drunken should not exclude, so I agree with Sarah we're still in.
But I WILL wear blue shoes and blue eye shadow, do I have to watch you keeping your legs together??? How does one be so deserving?

No swearing in my car as I play the SAME mormon tabernacle choir tape EVERY SINGLE DAY I drive so swear words won't come out no matter how hard I try (you know which bad ones they are ) and that's how I survive.
I have to re-apply my make-up when arriving to work because the songs make me cry. The last half of the tape is the best, so the drive home isn't as bad as I say. Mountain Road is much more peaceful, but not when the freeway is shut down!

Lisa said...

Yes, Sandra, that LAUGH WHEN NOBODY ELSE THINKS IT'S FUNNY, is a very important quality that I need in a groupie. You're hired...even though this is your first official comment. You're barely sliding in under the deadline. Whew.

I love MO-TAB. I play it on Saturday~cleaning day~so I don't have to step over any children corpses because I've killed them for random acts of sloth. I may have to play that when I drive now, too.

Sara's full of it, everybody.

Sunshine said...

Wha? Me? pfff.... I'm just brilliant and you can't handle my brilliance...thus the reason you are giving me your inheritance.


The Simonson Family said...

I love that this is happening for you! From the beginning I have thought you needed to write a book. I REALLY think you need your OWN book!!! You are too dang funny to not have that!
I give the ACT test at CHS every other month, so while I am sitting here for 4 hours in total silence I catch up on your blog, and try not to laugh out loud, for this would be a "distraction" for the students. It makes the time fly by.
Some of my favorite posts are...well there are so many, but off the top of my head I say...(these probably are not the actual titles, but you will get it),
1.Your son hitting the new mail box
2.Flesh aprons...loved this one!
3.elastic around the cat paw
4.daughter's cut from a special fabric
5.what I meant to say...
Every single post makes me smile.