Thursday, March 4, 2010

SAVING FOR NICE

Hey! Guess what I get to do? I'll give you a hint...it involves gloved fingers, paper aprons and the words, "OK, now. Scooch your bum aaaaallll the way down to the end of the butcher paper covered table...aaaannnnnnndddd reeelaaaaaxxx." FYI, I've put it off for three years now, but that's only because I didn't want to seem gluttonous.

Plus, I've been saving it for "nice." That's what husband's mom always did~saved things for 'nice.' You'd use her bathroom and there would be eight threads left spanning a hand towel, and you'd think as you blew and waved your hands dry, "Hmm. Mom could use some new towels. I'll get her some for next gift giving occasion." So you did, and when she opened them, she'd hold them up and announce, "Oh, how lovely. We'll just save these for 'nice.'" Then she'd pry open the 'nice' drawer to shove the latest set~along with 50 years worth of fresh towels that had been buried alive. And you could swear you heard howls and shrieks as they shielded their terry cloth eyes from the glare of daylight, before the drawer slammed closed once again, only to be opened when the next set of 'nice' arrived at the funeral parlor.

Anyway, I've been saving this experience for 'nice.'

OK, so here's another clue...three words...P. A. P. One more word...smear. Doesn't that just conjure up good times? Such a pretty, pretty word combination.

Have you figured it out yet? No? You're not as bright as I thunk you were. OK, one more clue...and this is BY FAR the most distressing part...as it involves~(Jaws music in the background)...A MEDICAL SCALE!!!!! AS IN I WILL BE REQUIRED TO PLACE AAAALLLL OF MY 'NO I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY ABDOMINAL GIRTH SERIOUSLY' BODY ON THAT MEDICAL SCALE~WHICH IS OUT IN THE PUBLIC HALLWAY, SO YOU REALLY CAN'T STRIP DOWN TO BARE NAKEDNESS IN ORDER TO REMOVE THOSE EXTRA T-SHIRT OUNCES THAT REALLY, REALLY DO MATTER, FOLKS~BECAUSE APPARENTLY HALLWAY NUDITY IS 'FROWNED UPON.' AND ANYBODY CAN JUST WILLY NILLY WALK BY AND LOOK OVER THE NURSE'S SHOULDER TO WITNESS THE DEAFENING SOUND OF THE SCOOT and CLINK METAL FIFTY POUND INCREMENT BARS. AND SUCKING IN HAS ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT ON THE FINAL WEIGH-IN NUMBERS. NOR DOES SQUEEEEEZING YOUR BUM CHEEKS TOGETHER OH SO TIGHTLY. AND YES, BUM CHEEKS CAN GET CHARLIE HORSES. JUST SAYIN'.

Feel sorry for me? Thank you. I would imagine they'll find cancer, or polyps, or an undiscovered pregnancy or something, which would totally serve me right for putting this off. And I have no excuses, except for cowardice. But really, if I'm being brutally honest, it's the "documented" part of that weigh-in, that makes me palpitate and upper lip sweat. It's on PAPER, people! INK on paper! See, I can lie to myself, but that da%$ scale is very, very discerning and can see right through my "big boned" and "that's muscle in my chins, and muscle weighs more than fat" lie. If the scale had an eyebrow, it would be lifted for my entire appointment. Sadly, my Dr. does, but she duct tapes it down while I'm there. Bless her heart.

Anyway, send an extra prayer my way, would you please? It's not for another three weeks, but I thought I'd burden you early with my angst.

I'm a Blog spider. So carry my spidery, smeary burden for me, won't you?

Thanksomuch. Preschiatcha.



11 comments:

Pauline McClendon said...

Ok. I admit it. I quit putting myself through this several years ago. I also made sure there were the maximum possible number of years in between previous visits and IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF THE SCALES. Now I'm out of the habit and just try to count on fate and good genes. Praying for you.

Jennifer said...

THanks Lisa, My appointment is today at 2:30pm.. Nice to read about the jaws analogy the day of my "exam" (cringe). I will think of you as I don my paper gown and paper sheet..... Which by the way I hate when you are sweating like a pig from nerves.

Mimi Sue said...

OK Lisa, here's what I do. Refuse to get on the scale. If they want my copay then they'll just have to go along with it. What are they gonna do? Wrestle me? I could take on all of those skinny chicks with one arm tied behind my back.~My grandma saved things for "nice" too. When she died she had a boatload of stuff, out of style, slightly smelly, a little yellowed. Kind of sad. Mimi

Anonymous said...

SOOooooo, I just went yesterday for mine...absolutely loved every part of it...yep, I did! I loved it when the ladies snickered at me when I stepped on the scale, I KNOW I heard them (which is digital, no metal clanking). Loved the paper dress and paper sheet...tried to make it fashionable, but failed...honestly, there was nothing pleasant at all during the entire visit. I am glad I went, glad to finally have it over!!!! I will add you to my prayer list! Love ya Lis, Heather

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

again Lisa...perfect timing for a good laugh.
I agree with Mimi again, do you find i do that often? The co-pay/scale arguement would seem fine to me.
As far as "nice" drawer items...oh my goodness, that is my favorite kind of yard sales...I just scoop all those nice gifts up and put a price tag on them...my kind of heavenly dreams...nice gift drawers, garages, attics and basements.
great post...and just way to funny!

Lisa said...

Mimi~don't ask, don't tell, right? Brilliant! Brenda, I'm sure you and I are soul sisters when it comes to sifting through stuff to find jewels. That's why I love your shop so much! Heath, wish that I were you and could just be praying for someone else about to go through it, as I had already completed the chore. Jen, how did you do? Alive and well I hope. Pauline~I have similar genes to you, but who's to say I'm not the mutant? I just need everything removed so there's no need to check it all out.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

I swear on the bible I heard that cloth diapers are coming back (studio 5 yesterday, pretty sure)...apparently these people didn't have four children in cloth diapers...so can we just take a step backwards now?
Just tell that new bride that news and it should be all the birth control she would need, or would it?
Cloth diapers? Kera...please tell us YOUR not going to.

Lisa said...

Kara may be "natural" but she's not "insane." She must also know her sister would never tend her children if they were smelling like wet rabbits and dripping into rubber pants. Those stupid GREEN people who like to pretend it's about the environment. Like you said, Brenda, it's birth control~pure and simple!

kara elmore said...

No cloth for me.

NOW ... as for the "gown". I'm actually quite ashamed Lisa that you haven't thrown together your sewing bag and while they say "he'll be right with you" (My A$%^$ right with me ... 45 minutes later!) you get your edward scissorhands out and QUICLY make that gown FANCY! Paper roses, glitter and all!! So when they walk in - you are ALL A GLOW! You'll be the talk of the town! Everyone will want to SEE! SO - as you step out into the office, THEN you weigh yourself. Practically neked in just the fancy gown! See - you just shed 6 lbs of unwanted clothing.

kara elmore said...

oops - spell check QUICKLY!

Lisa said...

BRILLIANT AS ALWAYS, BOO! I'll do it! Creative glitter will blind them from actually seeing the numbers on the scale, too, and I'll have to tell them what it says. Huh? Huh? Love it!