Tuesday, March 30, 2010

ELEPHANT MEMORY

Hey! I won! I won! I didn't even know I'd been nominated, but I WON THE BLOG AWARD! So from the bottom of my heart, Linda, I thank thee for measuring my personality, humor, prettiness, dainty mannerisms, congeniality, ability to wear the heck out of high heels and overall beguiling nature, FOR ME, so that I didn't have to remind everyone by myself that I excel in these areas...and many others...but to mention a few, these. Cuz that would be narcissistic, and I am just not. that. girl. Maybe you are...and believe me, you are...but not me.

Kay, so I'm going to probably be wearing my diamonds, formal and chandelier earrings for the next couple of days~you know, just as a subtle reminder to my family, lest they forget how popular their mother is, plus to give proper credentials to the actual process of my winning and stuff. But first I have to eat a few peppermint patties, on account of TOMORROW IS MY FREAKIN' PAP SMEAR!

I know. You'd forgotten, hadn't you? Did I? Hmmm. That's funny. Probably not. Like not for even a couple of minutes put together over the entire last two months since I made the appointment. And since we're friends and stuff, LET'S JUST REMEMBER WHAT YOUR DUTIES ARE, OK? YOU MUST BEAR MY BURDENS! BEAR, BEAR, BARE BUM WITH A PAPER APRON BEAR.

So I'll expect to see you bright and early on my doorstep "BEARING" a box of slobbery chocolates to get me through the appointment. I'll probably have to get all liquored up with Dr. Pepper, too. Need a volunteer for designated driver. Plus, an IMPERATIVE trip afterward to Target or TJ Maxx, for my "reward for being good" present. And money is no object, right dear? Right? Cuz remember my FIRST pap smear? 'Member that? Huh? 'Member? 'Member how I was a young virginal not-yet-bride, and we went to the Dr. for my VERY FIRST HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE? And you sat out in the waiting room and read magazines while I went like a lamb to the slaughter? Yeah. And then I came out all pale and trembly? And you said, "Hey, before I take you home, I want to show you something." And I whispered breathlessly in my brain, "Oh. my. gosh. He's going to surprise me with something tender, sensitive and pink! I am so glad that I am marrying this...well, he's not just a man! He's a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR! And, OH, how I adore him!"

And then you drove me...........STRAIGHT TO YOUR STUPID 'A' NEPHEW'S HOUSE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE TRACK IN HIS CRAPPY 'A' BACKYARD, AND YOU CLIMBED ON YOUR LAME 'A' BIKE AND PROCEEDED TO HAND ME THE DUMB 'A' CAMERA AND TELL ME TO "TAPE" YOUR 'A' WHILE YOU RODE THE DAMM 'A' TRACK AROUND AND AROUND AND AROUND, CHANGING CLOTHES A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT TIMES, JUST TO SEE HOW YOU LOOKED ON VIDEO WITH A JACKET OR WITHOUT, AND THIS WENT ON FOR THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' 'A' AFTERNOON?! 'MEMBER THAT?! HUH?! HUH?! DO YOU?

HMMMM. WELL, I DOOOOOO!!!!

So, as I was saying, my reward present for going through this experience, as well as not yanking on a certain "appendage" belonging to my pumpkin' pie hubbie when I return, will have no monetary limit or undesirable exclamation upon presentation.

Because I am worth it.

And I have the memory of an elephant.

And the tape to prove it.

Now which one of you is driving tomorrow?







13 comments:

McClendon said...

Crud! I'm not driving you there. In fact, I can't even face the fact that such an activity exists. My fingers are in my ears, my eyes are closed, and I'm singing/humming some vague drone so as to block the whole thing out.

Linda said...

Priceless. Yes, you got the award for all those reasons.
we have over $250,000 in medical school loans just so my hubby could become a Doctor and give me Paps. But he has to buy me dinner first.

Jennifer said...

Whoa! I noticed Sterling had posted a comment wondering when you were going to get that next blog written...... He probably won't do that again.

Saimi said...

I'm blog hopping today and found you on Linda's blog. Hope you don't mind me stopping in.

Your post is absolutely hilarious and if anyone deserves an award it's you!!

Anonymous said...

I am LAUGHING so hard right now, picturing "pumpkin pie husband-to-be" in the waiting room. I'm just wondering WHY IN THE WORLD YOU THOUGHT OF BRINGING HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?! Were you not aware of what was going to be taking place?
Still laughing!!!...Anony :)

Lisa said...

Not really sure why, Anony. I guess we naively thought it would bring us closer together. But Linda has the right idea about that, having her husband BECOME a Dr. in order to bring THEM closer together in this way. Actually, not really a fan of that visual, either. Either way, lose/lose situation.

Saimi, happy to have you. Hop to your Easter bunny heart's content!

Pauline~you call yourself a long lost relative? See if I answer the phone when you call to ask ME to drive YOU to the Dr. for YOUR Pap.

kara elmore said...

totally just went pee reading this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even I remember that video ... and I *think* you SWORE A LOT in it ... to "show off" that you were COOL - but we ALL know you were doing it to get back at him!!!!

AND FREAKING CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BLOG WINNER!!!!!!! WOO FREAKING HOO!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and I'll totally go shopping with you. Seeing as how I SPENT MORE THAN YOU LAST TIME!

Neen said...

CONGRATS!!! That's wonderful! I would go with you but I HATE DOCTORS! hummmm.... How does that work being married to one. Maybe that's why I hate them. Something for me to ponder upon! However I would go with you to push the wheel chair for you. (I know you will be in such a dither!)

Just let all know that when you went to get your marital examine Dr. Bitner asked the guy to come as well. Member that? He then sat you both down and gave you a bishops interview! I member that. Ahhhh the memories! Come to think of it... I may need to buy me something shiny and pink.=0)

Krista said...

I wish I could be the one to drive you there, especially if they gave you any fun medication just to make you relax. Tell 'em you need it. Then shopping under the influence - great stuff! It will be like Christmas when the drugs wear off. You know I would be there if I wasn't at work, leaving comments on blogs like I shouldn't be. Okay, call me tonight about the conference. We can register on-line. Let's do the Saturday session.

Ster said...

Anony hit it on the nose, why DID you bring me with you to that blessed event when I knew nothing of what a pap was. So what is it you are going to the doc for? Motorcycle riding anyone?

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Your all just tooooo funny!

Pauline McClendon said...

Lisa, never happen. I will not be needing that ride. I had the last of those experiences that I ever intend to endure about 3 or 4 years ago. I will, however, need a ride to the mall if I ever get up north again and find myself wanting to stop somewhere instead of just racing through to get off I-15 ASAP. (This is from Pauline. For some reason, it's tagging me as anonymous.)

Lisa said...

I can do the mall~or be your bathroom pitstop should you need one, anytime you're this way. And can I just say that I am looking forward to "the last" of these experiences for myself. I'm gearing up to leave the house right now. And if it didn't mean the scale would tip too hard, I'd be eating fistfuls of food to comfort me through it.