Kay, so I'm going to probably be wearing my diamonds, formal and chandelier earrings for the next couple of days~you know, just as a subtle reminder to my family, lest they forget how popular their mother is, plus to give proper credentials to the actual process of my winning and stuff. But first I have to eat a few peppermint patties, on account of TOMORROW IS MY FREAKIN' PAP SMEAR!
I know. You'd forgotten, hadn't you? Did I? Hmmm. That's funny. Probably not. Like not for even a couple of minutes put together over the entire last two months since I made the appointment. And since we're friends and stuff, LET'S JUST REMEMBER WHAT YOUR DUTIES ARE, OK? YOU MUST BEAR MY BURDENS! BEAR, BEAR, BARE BUM WITH A PAPER APRON BEAR.
So I'll expect to see you bright and early on my doorstep "BEARING" a box of slobbery chocolates to get me through the appointment. I'll probably have to get all liquored up with Dr. Pepper, too. Need a volunteer for designated driver. Plus, an IMPERATIVE trip afterward to Target or TJ Maxx, for my "reward for being good" present. And money is no object, right dear? Right? Cuz remember my FIRST pap smear? 'Member that? Huh? 'Member? 'Member how I was a young virginal not-yet-bride, and we went to the Dr. for my VERY FIRST HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE? And you sat out in the waiting room and read magazines while I went like a lamb to the slaughter? Yeah. And then I came out all pale and trembly? And you said, "Hey, before I take you home, I want to show you something." And I whispered breathlessly in my brain, "Oh. my. gosh. He's going to surprise me with something tender, sensitive and pink! I am so glad that I am marrying this...well, he's not just a man! He's a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR! And, OH, how I adore him!"
And then you drove me...........STRAIGHT TO YOUR STUPID 'A' NEPHEW'S HOUSE WITH THE MOTORCYCLE TRACK IN HIS CRAPPY 'A' BACKYARD, AND YOU CLIMBED ON YOUR LAME 'A' BIKE AND PROCEEDED TO HAND ME THE DUMB 'A' CAMERA AND TELL ME TO "TAPE" YOUR 'A' WHILE YOU RODE THE DAMM 'A' TRACK AROUND AND AROUND AND AROUND, CHANGING CLOTHES A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT TIMES, JUST TO SEE HOW YOU LOOKED ON VIDEO WITH A JACKET OR WITHOUT, AND THIS WENT ON FOR THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' 'A' AFTERNOON?! 'MEMBER THAT?! HUH?! HUH?! DO YOU?
HMMMM. WELL, I DOOOOOO!!!!
So, as I was saying, my reward present for going through this experience, as well as not yanking on a certain "appendage" belonging to my pumpkin' pie hubbie when I return, will have no monetary limit or undesirable exclamation upon presentation.
Because I am worth it.
And I have the memory of an elephant.
And the tape to prove it.
Now which one of you is driving tomorrow?