Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Holy JUNK! Talk about a backlash! Apparently my last post was a house of mirrors and every reader saw themselves reflected as phone spiders. To which I now say, HEY, PEOPLE! I, TOO, am a phone spider. Sometimes. Just not all of the time. And I'll do better. Like when I notice I've grown a spidery leg out of my bum, that's a sign that I'm morphing and I need to put the phone down. And that's all we can expect, right? Right. So THE END. I don't want to hear another whine about it.

And now we'll title today's blog~Disclaimers and Refutation.

You know how they will put a new drug on the market, and you'll think, "Oh my cows! This is fantastic! A MIRACLE CURE! Now I can live a full and happy life as this medication is EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED to fix whatever ailed me."

But whoa, whoa, WHOA unto the chick who throws down a pill or two without reading the fine print. Which usually combines fun and exciting words like, "uncontrolled flatulence," "anal seepage" and "warty genitalia." (a new favorite of mine) Alluring words like those. Therein lies the skull and crossbones, and we'd be well taught to read those baby words to understand what we're really getting.

Thus, I feel compelled to baby word warn you regarding Blue and Shoe. Stand back.

Blue and shoe is exaggerated entertainment. More often than not, the topics are pulled out of thin air, or the author's rump. If you find yourself in the words, you might have a slight vanity issue, because almost every blog is a direct reflection of the author's life, imagination and shortcomings. It's all about her. Not you. Her. Reading Blue and Shoe has not been PROVEN to cause uncontrolled flatulence, anal seepage or warty genitalia, but this does not mean that it does NOT. It just can't be PROVEN. Blue and Shoe will bring mirth to your face if you "get" it. But angry slit eyes if you don't. Blue and Shoe has been known to profane on a consistent basis~words as well as subject matter~but as has been pointed out, it's more often than not SPELLED incorrectly, thereby negating any offense. Satire, sarcasm and heavy doses of irreverence, fat and sugar, are the main ingredients of this blog. If you're allergic to ANY ONE OF THESE, we suggest you walk away from the buffet and take an enzyme immediately. And I don't know who "we" is, as it's just "I," but whatever. We speak Borg.

That should do it. I'm having this notarized, so it's official. In fact, it may be a requirement for continued reading for you all to sign that you've read and understand this, else I SHALL NOT CONTINUE TO DISPENSE THE HUMOR, FOLKS! You'll have to go off it COLD TURKEY...and you'll be just like Kinicky from GREASE coming off a heroin high on VH1~which we all know to be remarkably high brow entertainment.

And I can almost guarantee that Kinicky has his fair share of anal seepage. I know. Ew.


.E. said...

You always brighten my day...

Nuriche My Life said...

Lisa, you are so ok in my book. We ALL screen our calls, if not our lives would be consumed with the chatter of words. Lives are so complicated now and to receive 50-60 calls a day can get overwhelming.
I totaly understand and I commend you for your words of wisdom") LOL..

Erica Borrowman said...

LOLOLOLOL!!! I'm on the floor. Laughing. I read your other post yesterday and thought it was so great - and really not about me at all (whew!) seeing as how I am the perfect friend (oh, and that we never talk on the phone...hehe) - but wondered about how much hyper-paranoia was being generated as a result. I chuckled then. 16 posts, though. What's your record? lol. Oh, my advice to you? (Yes, I know you didn't ask, but I'm a mom first!) Change your number every five years. And don't hand it out like kleenex. Although it is, realistically, impossible to shed all phone spiders from your life forever, it is possible to delay their speedy spider legs a little. Loved this. That disclaimer is priceless...where do I sign?

Kara Elmore said...

Soooooooooo ..... here's the thing. THERE ARE SOME SERIOUS IDIOTS in the world. Not you. And OBVIOUSLY not me. HOWEVER .... it's like when we plan a lesson for church and it's about modesty and you hum and you haw around this "cleavage remark" you so cleverly thought of last night ... only to realize the girl who will READ the comment HAS SERIOUS CLEAVAGE. At church. Idiot. (see - not YOU. Not me. HER!) ANYWAY ... no matter WHAT you do -you will offend. If the reader WANTS to be offended. If the READER somehow SEES HERSELF in the situation in which you are reading. THAT, my lovely sister with perfection in all areas, is THAT READER'S FAULT! If you start wavering in your words of inspiration, you have done as every artist fears ... doing something for the PEOPLE instead of the ARTIST. SO .... artist (on so many levels!!!) .. ignore the people. THIS IS ABOUT YOU! And that is why we read it!!!!

And a word to the idiots who will, NO MATTER WHAT, be offended ... if you really KNEW Lisa - you'd know she's THE MOST loving individual who will ALWAYS bend over backwards to help you. However - don't take advantage of her. She has a life. She has children. And they are not you. You did not come out of her body. Although some WISH they did .... you did not. So ... give her some breathing room to see this new love of hers - writing! And let her have some creativity without her having to think "oh no - will this person be offended. Will THAT person be offended." Let her clearly think. Let her mind be free to write.

And now - because I have defended her SO lovely ... she will gift me with presents galore. And THAT my friends, is the reason we have sisters!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Write on Lisa...where do we sign?
I will try to remember it's all about You.
It's hard, but I will try. That counts doesnt it?

Erica Borrowman said...

Amen, Kara. Amen.

Mimi Sue said...

I for one always like to read the fine print. It's so entertaining. Good to know where we all stand so to speak. Especially in the anal seepage department. A few years ago a good friend told me how she deals with phone issues. She does change her home phone number every few years and then she gives the ward clerk her new number with one number wrong. She can go for years without a spider call. And everyone blames the ward clerk! Brilliant. Mimi

Krista said...

Now I know why I get flatulence when I read your post. And you KNOW me - I just don't do those things. But you did warn me and I did have Taco Tuesday with a coworker/friend. I'm just glad that I read in the privacy of my own home and no one knows what side effects your blog has. Except I had to use the Scentsy spray. BRB. Had to change my pants. I'm craving donuts, too.

Neen said...

What a HOOT! This is why I don't have a blog. I would get myself into more trouble than this! Just for the record, When I said "You hurt my feelings" I was quoting your very best friend. I hope you caught it. But I do want the t-shirt! =0)
P.S. Why did you go shopping without me? mmmm.... why why why.... You must not love me anymore right!!!! Now my feelings are really hurt! hahahahahahahahahhahahaha!! Love ya Lis!

Ali said...

Amen Kara, I'm up for a "I KILL (phone, e-mail, & comment)SPIDERS" t-shirt, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep on writing. As I am at times a bit vain, a spider, and offend with boobie & fat comments at church I too feel you MUST continue. The connection BBFFs have is real, and somedays is what we hold on to.