Saturday, January 30, 2010

BUTTERFLIES

Today's blog topic presented for discussion: urine threshold. As in, precisely HOW MUCH urine is considered inconsequential and may remain spattered on any/all bathroom surfaces, still allowing the bathroom to be branded "It's fine." (said with eye roll and attitude~bless their surly teen hearts)

The answer? ENORMOUS discrepancy on this one.

Offspring standard~If the whizz drizzle is a mere spray, it requires a cursory smear with one (1) square of dry toilet paper and the "don't ask-don't tell" policy comes into play. However, good news~if the piddle has puddled and dried, it's no longer considered a threat, becomes invisible and smells enchanting.

Mother standard~And let me be clear about this...THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERMISSIBLE PEE, PEOPLE! NONE, NUUUUUUUUUWWW, NEGATORY! There is ONLY the angry, loud lament of "Good hell I must have apes for children!" Followed by the sniff, swear and scour.

Now try as I may, I cannot figure out when the metamorphosis occurs between vacant child with no sense of sight or smell, let alone accountability for their own bodily emissions~into self aware adult with animal instincts enabling them to take a quick whiff of the air and point directly at the offending toddler in a crowd of thousands. But I do know it will be necessary for their survival. And not just out in the wild...in this here home as well. Sometimes mothers eat their young, you know.

In the meantime, I shall drag myself coughing and sputtering out of this river called "denial" and immediately suspend assigning the caterpillars in my family to jobs that are meant for full on Monarch's.

Now please excuse me, as I think I smell a child across the street. Something is amiss and I must put his fanny to my face and sniff.

It's what butterflies do.


P.S.~I just went out on my porch before tucking the house down for the night and OH. MY. FREAKIN'. HOLY. COW. The most wonderful surprise on my front steps...a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper and two absolutely stunning "Artful Blogging" books tied up in satin ribbons and an antique postcard, from the lovely Brenda! She's the owner of "Just a Bed of Roses," which is my FAVORITE antique/diamond brooch/vintage stuff store EVER. And can I just say, "YES! MY LOVE IS UP FOR AUCTION AND SO FAR, BRENDA IS THE HIGHEST BIDDER!"

Anyway, the message is clear, dear friend~ "Your blog may be humorous, hon, but it is visually...impaired." Subtle like a crow-bar to a kneecap. We'll call you "Blunt force Brenda." Okay, geeeeezzz. I'll step it up. But just REMEMBER...I am still but an ugly, wormy caterpillar. It may take a while to emerge as you intend me to be. :)




12 comments:

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

No pressure Lisa! lol!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

did you just call my blog visually impaired Lisa? And aqua is your favorite color...what?
Its only a temporary one...so be calm.
Okay...I will tone it down. Of course... Thats what family is for...telling the truth, being blunt!

I tried to email you this morning to ask if this was really okay...and the email didnt go through and I didnt know it before I left to the shop. you can email me at justabedofroses@hotmail.com if we need a private conversation okay.Dont try to email through the blog, it usually doesnt go through.

I just hated to hear you felt heavy as with child from pressure.

Erica said...

GAAAAASSSPPP!!!! I've been piddled on! Who brought you magnesium?! HUH?! And hot chocolate from The Chocolate Factory!?? Ok, ok...I know that it isn't what you PREFER, but really I'm more of the mothering type - 'I know what you want, Lisa, but THIS is what you NEED!' Yes, yes...I see you rolling your eyes at me young lady! LOL...great blog. I totally get the bathroom pee thing. My mother taught me at a young age to clean up after my sweet, toddler-turned-teen, piddling brothers and then showered me with praise every week when the 'chore chart' changed and everyone (else) changed jobs..."But, honey, you are SO GOOD at cleaning the bathrooms!!" Yeah. Horse puckey. Keep it up, my beautiful, blogging friend. And looks like I will have to put a new bid in soon...watch out, Brenda - you have NO IDEA who you're dealing with here. (lol... ;)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

But Erica it may be really hard...I will catch up as I have access to a never ending supply of BIG HUGE ANTIQUE RHINESTONE BROACHES...I know a Lisa weakness.
And Lisa...I LOVE that we have to use our imaginations "with no pictures" ...I AM the lowly worm or catapillar when it comes to blogging writing.
How Butterfly title turned into P and worms I will never know...but I am catching on to your thinking. Kind of like a Seinfeld show it finally comes together at the end.

Your still the Queen...long may you write!

Lisa said...

No, no, no, Brenda. You misunderstood. I was saying that MY blog is "visually impaired," CERTAINLY NOT YOURS! I just figured out that was why you gave me those lovely magazines, to help MY "game." :) And I'm going to work on that...tomorrow. (Just call me Scarlett.)

Erica, you're still in the running. You're more than welcome to throw in a brooch or two of your own~just to up the ante. :) Course, you did help my headache, AND you gave me chocolate, AND I really like you...and I can't just dismiss these things. OK, alright. You win, too! YOU BOTH HAVE MY LOVE! Luckies.

Neen said...

Brenda, had I known that you were giving gifts, I would have sent you to MY blog, rather than Lisa's! Oh, wait, I don't have one! OK, well I do have a front porch. Everyone knows I can be bought too!!! Everyone knows I LOVE sparkly shinney things...
Vintage is prefered, that is why I shop at your place!!! HA!!!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

well if this was the "neen" that sat in the hot swim meet at Clearfield on Friday then I will soon find out your address...So why don't you have a blog???

I mean if Lisa can do it...

So glad you were Lisa's blog secret giver...I've had a hilarious week-end!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Lisa...the books had no "secret" meaning to them at all. Just thought you would enjoy them and since we were on that subject.

And I still have to figure out why your darling husband is called pumpkin pie...but for the moment I still have do get these state taxes filled out...and write the check...ouch! Love the creating, hate the legal stuff.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Neen...(sorry to do so many comments) could you help us out here a little bit. so how do you do comments and not have a blog. I have sooooo many ask me that who would love to comment. I tried to find out today, but it wasnt right in front of my eyes.
could you guide me and I can even blog about it or lisa or you could?

Neen said...

Brenda, I just write in the comment section at the bottom of Lisa's blog, hit post comment and ta daaaaa it's all there for the world to see.

I don't blog cuz' I'm not even near as creative as Lisa, not to mention I can't spell. I'm sure if I wrote in German or something I'd be a perfect speller. We'll that's my story and I'm sticking to it!! Love ya Brenda!

Krista said...

I got to clean for my mom's work when I was a teen once and cleaned the men's bathroom. I thought I would share this thought and you may want to go out and have it made in vinyl lettering to put on your kids' bathroom wall. "Anyone can pee on the floor. Be a hero, $h!# on the ceiling." I knew you'd like it. :P

Lisa said...

Oh, I DO like it, Krista. It's FF...foul and funny.