FEBRUARY

I just today realized why February is Satan's mistress. He LOVES it, because everything about the month reminds him of him. Satan loves the smell of his own farts. You can quote me on that.

So let us compare~

First~All of the jolly holidays are over by February and you're left with the dregs of everything. And if you end up in the bowels, this also means your "Eat, Drink and Be Merry" JOLLY attitude, came back on you like a bean burrito at midnight. See? Satan.

Second~February is ugly...the kind of grotesque only a mother could love. And I do believe that Satan spawned February...I read it somewhere...or I heard it on television...or I made it up. So Beelzebub is February's mother, and thinks it's "just going through an awkward stage."

Next~Nothing grows in February. No tulips, no trees, no bank accounts. Which binds and gags us as we're thrown into financial prison...which is commonly referred to as a "hellhole," which brings us back, once again, to Satan's abode.

Another thing~February is smarmy. It's an oily moustached car-salesman with it's Valentine come-ons and inferior products all wrapped up in a skanky red foil and overpriced roses. But deep down inside, we know it's imitation. It has it's own agenda and gets to us with counterfeit emotion, counterfeit people, counterfeit love. In essence, Lucifer.

Even more...February LIES and says it's the shortest month, but we all know it's a watched pot and a nursing baby~it never, ever, ever seems to be through. February pretends it's a precursor to Spring, but we suspect the moment we buy those cute green sandals with the giant flower on the toe, we'll step outside into muck and mire, and forfeit a flippie to the sludge. I could go on and on, but you get the gist.

What I really want to do...what would truly make me bright and sunshiny...would be to slap February up the side of the head until it's puke brown hair extensions landed in it's lip gloss~the vacuous toad. But I can't. Because I'm a lady. Put your eyebrows back down.

Anyway, February AND Satan exhaust me and I just can't WAIT to see their reign end.

But in reality, I DO know the days are numbered. Soon, very soon, Spring and Light and Creation will emerge, and February will die a lonely, wretched death.

And where will it's Snake Mama be? I'll tell ya where...nowhere, that's where, because He won't be hanging around for the ending...

...He never does.