Thursday, March 18, 2010

HEAVE

So, I can't be positive, but it's highly likely that Gerard Butler probably has a crush on me. I know. Sort of embarrassing, since I'm a middle aged woman and stuff, but the way he looks at me through the television screen when he's on talk shows is really, really intense. Plus, when he tossed Kelly Rippa over his shoulder this morning and carried her off the stage, he gazed right. at. me. And clearly, that was code for, "Should be you, Lisa. Should be you." Clearly.

But don't worry, pumpkin pie honey. You're still ma man. Even though you haven't been able to carry me since, well, ever. But that's not all your fault. Just mostly. You know, I'll never forget the time I hopped up for a piggy back ride, and you collapsed to your knees, screaming~

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF! OH MY HELL, YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

Ahhhhh. (head tilt, heart pat) Good times. Good times. And surprisingly, just that quick, the honeymoon was over. Too bad it was actually ON our honeymoon. But it's OK. I understand. You'd courted me and I was yours. Well played, dear.

Anyway, It's not like I'm going to pursue the Phantom of the Opera. It's just nice to know he cares. Deeply. About me. Princess Lisa. And he thinks I'm enchanting, and would that he could toss me over his shoulder effortlessly, to carry around everywhere he goes, instead of having to substitute stupid Kelly Rippa and Jennifer Aniston.

I was just thinking that, you know, when I'm on my book tour? Well, I'm going to "mention" in passing, to Oprah, that I would JUST LOVE to meet Gerard~that I have a secret crush on him. And it's probable, as Oprah is known to do, that she'll make arrangements to have him on satellite to say a simple, "Hello" to me, and I'll act all surprised and flustered, being excited to meet him over the waves, but then without warning, the satellite will cut out and go to static, like they lost the connection, and I'll be all disappointed and pouty. But suddenly, a roar will erupt in the audience, turning louder and louder and they'll start SCREAMING AND SHOUTING AND POINTING, and THEN...THEN...HE WILL COME WALKING OUT ON THE STAGE BEHIND ME, PUT HIS HANDS OVER MY RIDICULOUSLY BLUE EYES, AND I'LL TURN AROUND AND SEE THAT IT'S THE PHANTOM, AND I'LL HAVE A TOTALLY ADORABLE MELT-DOWN!!! And he'll GRAB me, toss me over his shoulder effortlessly, and carry me off to his lair...and that's where I leave you to use your imaginations...

Just as I've evidently been doing waaaaay tooooooo muuuuuuuch this morning.

OK, time for a shower and a quick glance in the mirror to bring me back.

Hmm. Wow. Now that I stare reality in the face, it's no wonder hubbie can't 'toss' me anywhere. Girth doesn't toss. It heaves.

And in truth, I'd take a heave from my hunky husband over a toss from a fantasy phantom any day. :)












10 comments:

McClendon said...

Who IS this Gerard person and, yes, I AM that out of touch.

Mimi Sue said...

I saw him on Regis and Kelly too. Funny, I could have sworn he was looking at me...hmmm. Anyway, when you get to Oprah, be sure to give all of us in Davis County a little wave. Mimi

Krista said...

I thought where there's a will, there's a way. Where there's a heave, there's a ho. Those weren't even a little bit alike, but I liked it! Great catching up with you last night!

Lisa said...

Pauline, Gerard played the Phantom of the Opera, and he's STEAMING HOT.
Mimi, nope, sorry to disappoint. Unless he's cross-eyed, and then he could have been looking at both of us.
Krista, what kind of "ho?" :)

sandra said...

okay, this post was absolutely hilariously funny, can't wait for that book you be writing, you might need to write two books, can't leave us hanging!

Lisa said...

Sandra, you charmer, you. Are you trying to make up for months of not commenting? Good. Keep going. :)

Sunshine said...

okay, so you make me comment on YOUR blog, but you never come visit mine.... just remember that when I'm rich and famous... oh and by the way, the contract says nothing about you getting any of MY money if I become rich, or famous.....

:D

kara elmore said...

Sooooooooooooooooooo ... NOW do you understand my thoughts about robert and wentworth?? Yes - I've many a day planned out my photography shoot on the streets of Italy where they 'spot' me and say "ohhh we're looking for a photographer - do you happen to be one??" And my 25 year old non married self says WHY YES ...

bla bla bla - yada yada yada - he totally loves me.

And then I buckle my kids into their car seats, pray they don't talk to me the rest of they day so I can plan out the ending of my crazy thoughts .... :)

Anonymous said...

Would you like to borrow our Phantom mask for Ster?............Anony

Holly said...

Hahahaha....
I LOVE Phantom!! OK, I LOVE RAUL, TOO! They DEFINITELY got HOTTIES for the movie!! ;p

I'll concede you Gerard if I can have Patrick... LOL!! I could be green with envy that you'd get to listen to that Scottish accent, though!! *sigh*