NUMBER 10

Happy Birthday, dear daughter!

And one more thing ~ HER TEAM WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE CITY GIRL'S SOFTBALL LEAGUE! Jules made TWO (2) HOME RUNS, in fact. She got that from me, you know. Duh.

Perfect segue back to me, and my 10th birthday. That year, my angel mother made me a cake in the shape of the number ten. Pink frosted and sprinkles on tinfoil covered cardboard. Simply divine.

Well, just so happens my birthday also fell on Labor Day weekend, and the entire clan of extended family were to arrive at the cabin in Idaho. My Grandma Sybil always went early to sweep the mice poops out of the A-frame. I swore right then and there I would never be the Grandma Sybil. So far, so good.

Where was I? Okay, so I gingerly set the pink ten on the card table, waiting for just the right moment when the masses were sure to ARISE AND CALL ME BLESSED. I thought it best that I not look too eager, therefore, I wandered over to the swinging hammock, and laid low for a few minutes...15 at the most. When I was sure they would be wondering where bra-less Lisa was, I poked my head out of the pines and tried to look unaware of the impending celebration.

Guess what I found? Two things, people~a tinfoil covered piece of cardboard, as EMPTY AND BARREN AS MY SOUL, and the entire family gathered round the campfire, laughing lips littered with pink frosting and cake crumbs!

Damm fools had eaten my birthday cake!

And Princess Lisa had received not one. single. piece. of her own number ten cake.

Well, she never forgot it, folks. Fast forward ten years, when she was dating a darling man. She told him her sad tale. He kept these things in his heart. She arrived home late from work one eve, and called out to her parents. No answer~just the soft glow of candlelight from the kitchen. She entered in, and there sat her precious metal, Sterling, balloons in hand and grinning behind a perfect replica of her number ten birthday cake.

Reader, I married him.

GUILT

Hi.

So, we've been feeling really, really melancholy in our home these last few days. What with the boys all being gone on spiritual journeys and such. And like a pig in the mud, we've decided to wallow.

Been playing old family movies, folks. Every single night. And can I just say that, as a form of torture, seeing your maturing children back in the soft focus of remember when, well, it brings a grown father and mother to their weeping knees faster than any dripping water on the forehead, or '007-seatless-chair-gonad-whapping' ever could.

It's a combination of guilt, guilt and more guilt. Followed by an unhealthy dose of guilt.

"I should have breast fed longer."

"Would it have killed me to let him eat the dog food?"

"I should never have locked her out of the house like that."

How were we to know that they would grow up? As far as we were concerned, this was "The song that never ends...yes, it goes on and on, my friends..."

And then one day, this little piggy goes to the market...or Target...and the other little piggies stay home. And just like that, it's...over. The last baby lullaby refrain. Suddenly, the song was never so sweet, never so cherished, never so absent as it is from that moment on.

Years ago, my father solemnly and sincerely uttered these words..."If I'd known how wonderful you were going to be when you grew up, I'd have been so much kinder to you." And we embraced, and I laughingly reminded him that if he'd been any less of a parent back then, I'd never have been as wonderful as I am right now.

Or as humble.

You've heard the phrase, "All because two people fell in love..."

Well, it takes more than love to raise a child. I'm coining the phrase, "All because they locked me out of the house."

Feel free to put it in vinyl above your hearth.

PLENTY

So two sons have gone out the door to Especially For Youth, and packed "plenty" of underwear~their words. And though one man's PLENTY is another man's ONLY ONE EXTRA PAIR IN WHICH TO SHART, I left it at that. Kind of a "Don't ask~don't tell" policy I'm trying out. I'm considering using it in other areas of my life.

"What the...(sniff sniff) Oh my he!!, was that you?"

Don't ask~don't tell.

See? Kind of brilliant.

Anyway, today is shaping up to be a good day. I got my mole whisker on the very. first. tweeze. I KNOW! How often does that happen? Blue moon, people.

Plus...well, that's about it.

But I'll take it.

It's "PLENTY" to me.

Postscript~HEY! I FORGOT IT'S MY ANNIVERSARY TODAY! WHAT THE 'H'? (Thanks, Boo) Anyway, I guess there's more goin' down today than just a rogue chin hair. Seems I married my husband for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY on this day, 21 years ago! Congratulations to us, peeps! I think this calls for Dr. Pepper in champagne glasses...and roses...and gift cards...and cash...and diamonds...and a sky blue convertible Jag...and surprise trips to France...and good thing he has eternity to pay for it....and lobster...and more cash...and emeralds............HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DEAR HEART! I LOVE YOU FOREVER!

LIKE

Table decor to set the stage...

A star shaped cake that I providently created...

Flip flops and the buckets that started it all...

Beautiful friend "chalking" her likeness...

First off, I think we can all agree that my house is probably made of Kryptonite. Else how could my Super intentions be weakened and annihilated on such a consistent basis? No other explanation. Kryptonite house.

And I'm sorry this post is so late, but I couldn't find my eyebrows. I ended up using my sense of touch and just filled them in where they would normally be, but with so little guidance, let's just say it's a blessing this blog isn't HD.

So anyway, I gave birth to a happy, healthy PATRIOTIC PARTY last night. Thirty seven minutes into it, I sat in the cool of my kitchen and shot off a cocky email to my sister telling her how "WONDERFUL it is when the girls are old enough to entertain themselves..." then SCREAM, SPLASH, SHRIEK, SLAM!

'Twas the sound of my pride going before the fall.

The whole gaggle of sopping wet divas came crashing in, determined to compress all four hours of planned activities into one, spurred on by Miss GREEDY GUTS Birthday Princess, who was more anxious than an irritable bowel to explode in a flurry of activity that would culminate in the HIGHLY ANTICIPATED PRESENT OPENING, with the preceding activities just being the mode of transportation in which to arrive.

Now I know how crestfallen you all must be that you weren't there for the minutia. But dry those eyes and put your paws together in a happy clap, peeps, cuz I'm gonna gloss over a few topics of discussion! It'll be just like we were looking at the same moon!

Um, okay, so did you know that there is, like, this girl in their class that like, TOTALLY thinks she's like a TOMBOY? But like, she like, TOTALLY brings make-up and stuff to school, like a girly-girl, but then, like, she thinks that she has like, the right to call herself a Tomboy just because, get this, like, she picks up spiders! I know! Like that makes you a Tomboy! (outrage and disgusted eye rolling)

So then, like, oh my gosh! The song, "California Girls" is like, TOTALLY THE BEST SONG EVERRR! But it's kind of like, gross and stuff, like that part about bikini tops and Daisy Dukes and stuff, but like, oh my gosh! They totally LUUUUUV that song!

And then, like, this boy they all know, always like, acts, like he like-likes one of the girls, but then, he like, says he only likes her, not like-likes her. But that's OK, cuz she wants to like, keep her options open, like, cuz she's not ready to settle down with anyone yet, you know?

The rest of the party in a Dr. Seuss nutshell~

~They swam, they chalked, they valley girl talked.

They roasted, they toasted, they continually boasted.

Throw in six bags of gummy worms, licorice, circus peanuts and animal cookies, add to that three more bags of Cheetos, Doritos and Lays, plus watermelon, s'mores, birthday cake and snow cones and you have what I like to call "14 untouched hamburgers thrown in the garbage can."

And there you have it. The end.

Like.

NEARSIGHTED

How can a child who has just received his first pair of contact lenses and can't BELIEVE the difference in his ability to SEE all that this wondrous world has to offer~how BLIND he must have been over these last couple of years and he can't imagine why he didn't realize how poor his eyesight was~how does this SAME child THINK he got his contact in his eyeball, even though there is NO. CHANGE. IN. VISION. WHATSOEVER...and go throughout the entire day not questioning if he did, in fact, manage to place the lens over his nearsighted orb, only to find out at the end of the day that, "Well, looky there...what is that crusty withered thing sitting on my bathroom counter? Huh. Looks like my brand new contact lens that I put in my eyeball this morning. Course it's all dried out. I guess I'll just throw it away."

And he did.

And I only screamed at him for a little while.

Then I left the house.

Then I came back in to scream again.

But I called it "discussing" that time.

Two very different things.

FATTY HEART

Second son had his wisdom teeth taken out today. When they told me what time, I ignored them, because I knew they were just making stuff up. Here's some news~Did you know there are TWO 4:00's? ONE of them has an A. M. after it! And I only know this because my alarm went SCREAM SHRIEK BUZZING in my brain canal, at that A.M. one this morning. My adrenaline only stopped pumping like the pistons on the Titanic about an hour ago. Speaking of high blood pressure...

Husband has taken out a life policy on me...without my consent. Now some of you may be thinking, "Heeeeeyyyyy...that sounds suspiciously like maybe he's going to kill you in your sleep and be the subject of a Dateline episode." And yes, maybe that should be my worry...but it's not. I have much LARGER CONCERNS, PEOPLE! On account of MY LARGE GIRTH WILL BE THE SUBJECT ON THE EXAM TABLE.

Pumpkin pie couldn't figure out why I broke into sobs after his passing remark of, "Oh, by the way, the nurse is coming over some time this week to do your physical for the life insurance policy. When would be a good time and I'll call her?"

I know. He can't help it. He just doesn't savvy.

I tried to explain how my self worth is tied up in my crappy blood pressure and body bulk. I did this by suggesting maybe he could "take his...appendage...lay it across an ice cold steel exam table, have the nurse MEASURE girth and length, and then rate his value accordingly."

That helped. A little bit.

Still...apples and oranges, folks.

I'll let you know if I go through with it. And if I end up in the arms of Jesus, you'll know the anxiety was too much for my sweet little fatty heart.

Either that, or Sterling murdered me in my sleep.

Either way, you can't have my stuff.

BREATHTAKING

Conversation had today between Boo, darling sister and mother of sweet young things, and me, mature sister and mother of tween....

Boo~"Oh. my. gosh. You should have SEEN what 'A' and Baby Maby had on for their pictures the other day. 'A' was wearing this pair of white capris, with a blue and white striped shirt and this FANTASTIC red organza flower~big as her skull! Then she wore her red sparkly Dorothy shoes and a red bow in her hair and she was in this field of yellow flowers and the sun was shimmering and breezes blowing her golden locks around her beautiful face...and then...THEN, Baby Maby joined in with her red sparkly shoes, and she had on a floral yellow shirt with yellow pants and red and white polka dot skirt and a giant red bow in her strawberry blond curls and they were jumping into each other's arms and swirling around in the meadow and oh. my. gosh. It was just.....breathtaking!

Me~"Oh. I can just imagine! But did I tell you what Julia had on the other day?"

Boo~"No, what?"

Me~"Wellllll...just picture this. She was wearing a pilling, what-used-to-be tye dyed shirt, but had mopped up every color in the wash one day, so it's kind of hard to tell if it's like a mustardy brown smear now or what...anyway, that shirt in the size 'too small' so as to accentuate the slouch and slump posture of a recently developing 4th grade girl. And then, along with that, a pair of hot pink neon plaid shorts, sitting low on the hips, allowing plenty of room for pre-pubescent muffin top and protruding, fully unaware gut~her ratty and fly away hair tucked behind her ears, and two lone front buck teeth, praying for back up. It was just.......breathtaking."

Boo~"Oh. Yeah. I saw her. I thought maybe she'd just gotten back from swimming or something."

Me~"Yeah. No. She'd dressed up for the day."

Boo~"Sorry."

Me~"I curse you and your offspring."