Monday, January 18, 2010


Best fib ever to drip off a tongue~"You should seriously try out for American Idol. No, really. I mean it. You'll totally win." And somebody slurps it up, like the dregs of an icy cold Coke. Bless their hopeful hearts.

Which brings us to the most jolly, most engrossing, most mirthy month of the year~American Idol Reject TV. WHICH WE LOVE!!! makes one wonder...

...Who are these people that fart lies? And is there a special rock in hell for them to dwell under when they arrive? But more importantly, are they the same people telling me, "You should seriously write a book. No, really. I mean it. You'll totally be published?".....Surely not...

But it has me thinking about other pieces of fiction that we throw around like confetti~

"No, I don't see anything in your nose." Oh, it's there, friends. It's there. But people will maintain they were "too embarrassed" to mention something so intimate and gooey to a stranger. I'm sorry folks, but a bat in a cave is a bat in a cave. You are just playing chicken with the humiliation gods on this one~with you being most likely to end up dead in the road with your head tipped back and a cave chock FULL of bats! Just sayin'.

"The fancy pockets on those designer jeans look great on you." Yeah, a lie if your abdomen is even half-vast. (I thought that was particularly clever.) Those jeans just push and shove the ample girth out of their own way. "Get it out of here! Make it T-shirt's problem. I've got all the beef I can handle here with this rump." So it heaves it out the top of the waist band, where it splats and hangs like a pudding filled bundt cake, unrestrained and free to attract all kinds of attention. (And all of it self righteous.)

"It's not's me." Lie. It's you and you are gross to me.

"There is such a thing as waterproof mascara that comes off with soap." Like hell. Truth is you'll more than likely lose every lash you ever grew and it will impede new baby lash implantation like an IUD.

"Forty is the new thirty." Yeah, no. Forty is the new "I wish I was still thirty." Give it up, hon. It's called grace and it looks better on you than extensions and a spray tan ever will. And let's not go shootin' the messenger, 'm kay, pumpkin?

"I don't even notice the spot where you're thinning with your hair strategically combed like that." Horse feces. Here is a list of things that would call less attention to your bald spot: a monkey sitting on your face, picking it's nose and eating it. A family of tarantulas. Cheetos hot glued and sticking out of your scalp like antenna. Lady Gaga duct taped to your head. Two words~Own it.

"Drinking a Diet Coke with a candy bar does NOT cancel out the calories." Hahahahahaha! I just threw that one in there for fun. Of course that one's true. Geez! If it weren't, I'd have to kill myself! Whew!

And there you have it. Lies people tell. Shameful. (head shake)

But THANK GOODNESS for the people who believe them! I'm going to pop some corn...where's the remote?


Erica said...

LOLOLOL!!! My new favorite. My gosh I was laughing so hard (on the inside because I'm at work and I would look completely ridiculous if I actually lol'd from my three-walled cubey)...master genius. Sayin' what we're thinkin'. Even IF I could faintly hear it brewing around in your gosh-darned-big brain that you might be considering calling me a liar for telling you to write a book. Lisa, my darling, if you can't sing, I'll be the first to tell you to side-step those roadshow try-outs for Oklahoma! in the best interest of you and those with ears. Just as I would tell you, if you were not a writer, to do the kindest thing possible for your readers and 'just draw pictures for them,'s better for us all'. Unless of course, you're not an artist in which case I would tell you...well, you get it.

You're a writer. If I'm lyin' I'm dyin'. :)

Krista said...

I thought you said you were going to poop some corn at the end. I totally believed that. It's happened to people before. I just wondered about eating rabbit poop ice, you know it melts before it reaches your bowels and you won't freeze your butt off. Another sad reality. I looked into it. I love you man!

Lisa said...

Krista, you slay me. And yes, I'm privy to that corn poop phenom. Erica, I'm looking you in the eyes~not blinking or anything that might break our connection~to see if you're a truth teller. Time will tell, dear friend. :)

kara elmore said...

Here are some other lies .....

"oh my gosh - that is SO great you're accidentally pregnant! You are SUCH a great mom - you will be TOTALLY fine w/ this pregnancy! Living w/ in-laws IS a blessing when you're SO sick!"

"Holy crap ... you hardly show at all! No really - you are only pregnant from the front. The back of you looks like you're 12!"

"Your hair is NOT thinning from nursing so much! It looks great! Here's the # to my hair stylist .. she worked wonders on me!"

"Where??? ... I don't see dry skin. Nope - you're imagining it! But here - just in case, here's some vasoline. Just smother it in. But I'm telling you - it's great and it hasn't smeared your mascara."

And as a side note - there IS a waterproof mascara that comes off w/ soap. It's just that they won't tell you your LASHES come off w/ soap.... see the problem???

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

I was hoping you loved american idol rejects...I do too.
They are still not as funny as you though!
OOps...I am encouraging you aren't I.