Sunday, January 10, 2010


So guess what? Lost two eyelashes today. Which leaves me with one...two...three...four...five. Five. That's right, five. Cumulative. For both eyes. Combined. You think I'm kidding. (heavy sigh) I was allotted seven total eyelashes this quarter~and they instructed me to "Take good care of them, Lisa. I mean it. Make 'em last, cuz when these are gone, they're gone, understand?" And I made eye contact with them, (don't really know who 'them' is, but just go with it) nodded sincerely and gave 'em the thumbs up. Then, like an Olympic swimmer, I tipped my head and let aaaallll of the warnings drain out, while I climbed into the shower and proceeded to RUB MY EYEBALLS WITH A COARSE, PEASANT WASHCLOTH AND LEVER 2000! I know. I'm a vacant little troll sometimes.

And now I have a half inch void in the middle of one eye, which I'm sure I deserve. And yes, I've purchased and used-up the $150 "remedy". Stupid, rich liars. But I'm OK with it, people. I'm OK with alopecia eyes, as worse things have happened~(old boyfriends+grocery stores+sweats and mouth corner mustard=worse) BTW~sincere apology to anyone actually suffering from alopecia. I'm incredibly callous on this blog, (and in life) and you should know that by now.

Which brings us to one of the pluses of being in your forties and having waaaaay uglier stuff happening on regular occasions. (cough/sneeze and pee, elbow cellulite, rotting teeth busting out of your head...need more? Squishy and bigger bum in front than back, black-hole pores, rogue skin 'eruptions'.....)

Had the hair loss happened in my 20's, I'd have gone into hiding like a naked man climbing out of an icy lake. (Seen it~that there's nothin' to be proud of.) Or even in my 30's, I'd have probably tried some sort of camouflage, like a pregnancy or something?~ to keep the focus down south. That's how I got Julia.

But now, like a welcoming hug from a fat-armed friend, I embrace it. Have to. I is what I is. And that is a follicle-impaired (scalp included,) front-bummed, urine soaked, scattered teeth 41 year old vain (but only in a 'Bless her heart, she tries her best' kind of way) ice chompin' chick named Lisa!

And they say that ignorance is Bliss. Ha. They're so funny. Bliss is chocolate...

...and I loooooove chocolate!


kara elmore said...

OH MY WORD - you paint a HORRENDOUS image of yourself .... like I keep imagining Grandpa Stewart in all his EYE GOUGING glory to dig and dig and DIG that itch away ... and all of a sudden your once was "snuff a luff a gus" eyelashes are GONE!!!

Lisa's FUNNY. Do you see her to the right of this "post a comment" blurb? Yes - that's her w/ the gorgeous yellow flower picked from her OWN garden just moments before taking the image. And guess what ... I hardly had to do ANY photoshopping. Which is WAY more than I can say for my usual client who requires SO much photoshopping that when they arise from the dead they will look similar to how the photoshopping went. :) (j/k I stay as au-naturale as possible ... some REALLY need more though and LISA DID NOT!) And I say that knowing that YES I need presents from her. And YES I want her to take me to lunch today and YES I will lay on her couch and vomit while she takes care of my kids. I'm selfish that way. We were molded the same way. But really ... she's gorgeous!!! And she only has a few eyelashes. So that's her only downfall. But the rest of the crap she writes about herself ... LIES. ALL LIES!!!!!!!! Like the FBI. When she wrote SO much about eating and eating and weight gain and blubbing out I FULLY expected a GIANT SISTER to emerge from the door when I fearfully knocked on it. But no - she's NOT!!!!

BUT - makes for GLORIOUS writing that she WILL win awards for and everyone loves her because she writes how everyone feels about themselves. Ohhh love this sister of mine.

Now - can you go shopping with me? I'm having a good moment. Wait - wait. No barfed.

Anonymous said...

Ok, since you've been askin' .... chalk this blog up as my fav!

Lisa said...

Oh, Bitty, you're so right. I am all those things you said and more. If only people could recognize my flawless beauty. (Hand off of fifty from palm to palm)

Thank you, Jen! I needed that, as sometimes I lose my perspective and, well, you know,...question myself. Aaagghhhh!!!!! How many eyelashes do you have? Wonder if I could reattach them with my glue pot. I'll let you know.

Erica said...

LOL! I totally get the eyelash thing. Only recently, I discovered that the long, thick, dark eyelashes of my childhood are, well, gone. They are thin and light brown, and you can't see them until I put on the make-them-thicker, make-them-longer, make-them-SHOW-UP mascara that, from everything I'm reading, causes you to ... yes, lose your eyelashes. Vanity. Where would the retailers be without it? Broke, I tell ya'. And publicly eyelash-less. Trust me when I tell you, Lis...the inventors of these products all look way worse than you or I! :) Keep up the great blogging!