Friday, January 1, 2010

RESOLUTIONS


HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEEPS! And now for the most pressing issue...resolutions.

Yeah, I know you're smiley all over, just like me, at the thought of fixing what has been corrupted over the past year. So, shall we take stock?

Let us begin with our 41 year old bodies and what they're made up of after the conclusion of these 365 days. Question: Can Dr. Pepper (or Diet Coke with lime) take the place of the 70% of our bodies that should be made up of water? Answer: Yes. Yes it can. And you can quote me on that. Also, feel free to pattern YOUR diet after MINE, (misery loves company)...because it can only do you good. And by good I mean not good.

Next, how is our exercise regime coming along? Well, I think we all know the answer to that. It's apparent by the fact that I post on this blog day after day after day, doing tireless finger crunches on the computer keyboard. My fingers are in PEAK PHYSICAL FORM, friends. I can actually see the bones under the skin, (rib cage) and the sinew is strong and controlled (six pack.) The skin is taught and tan, stretching over strong knuckles, (no stretch marks.) I think you get the picture (but really probably not, as I shan't be taking one of me and sending it to you, because I've heard they're worth a thousand words and I don't want those words getting all jumbled up in your mind's eye.)

Okay, what's next? Let's go with financial responsibility.

Moving on...

And finally, parenting skills. Another question: How many times can you whack a daughter on the head with a hair brush without causing long-term "repercussions?" Answer: An undetermined number~I'll let you know when I've stopped and we'll see if there is any lasting damage. (For novice whackers: The hair hides any tell-tale signs, so all is well as long as it's done in the privacy of your own bathroom every morning before school starts and she is whining and whining and wants to wear another ugly boy outfit and you have been nice...to...her...just...as...long...as...you...can.) Just sayin'.)

In conclusion, I think it's time for a pact. Let us all cut, (I'll wait while everybody gets a razor blade. NO, THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL! Okay, now then~) squeeze and raise our fingers to the computer screen, repeating these words together..."What happened in 2009 STAYS in 2009." There. Go ahead and wipe off the screen. I think our secret is safe.

Now if only I could get my chins to stop bearing witness against me...


PS~Somebody just "dropped by" a few minutes ago, forcing me to run and hide like a squirrel eating nuts behind my bedroom door. As if there is an appropriate time to drop by on New Years Day. FYI~there is no "acceptable" time (not even 3:14 PM) on New Years. There is only "too early." Now you know.

PSS~I punished my hair for being entitled~washed it today with crappy shampoo. Hair straightened right up cuz it KNEW I meant business. So to all you hair enablers out there, take heed. A firm parental hand does wonders for spoiled tresses. (If the problem is small, Pantene will do. If it's out of hand, I recommend Suave.)

PSSS~I've attached a picture of Jules and her friend after playing the "blindfolded application of makeup on each other's faces" game. Good times. Good times. Now where is that hairbrush?

PSSSS~I know it's supposed to be "PPPPS" but that sounded too much like something I do every time I sneeze (if I don't cross my legs in time) so I went another way. And all of you who noticed and thought me un-edumacated, you're kind of a snob. Just sayin'.







3 comments:

Erica said...

Ok...can...not...stop...laughing.... Even Bryan has joined in. I can't pick, I can't pick. YOU are going to be famous. :)

Erica said...

Oh - can you recommend a good hairbrush??

Lisa said...

Did I TELL you that you were my favorite? Well, let me reiterate. You're my FAVORITE! FYI~I wrote you a note on FB.