Tuesday, January 26, 2010


It's kind of dreary, folks. Which makes me weary. Dreary, weary and leery of what is to come for the next three months. Will this wrinkled and whiskery old man Winter suck the hope of Spring into his cavity filled mouth, only to blow it out s-l-o-w-l-y for weeks on end as cold, gray and fermented inversion? The answer is yes. Yes, most likely. Which seems to suck the breezy joy right out from under my sails and I sit down with a thud on the deck of my optimism, twiddling my peep-toe-prepped and red polished hoofs.

And so, what is a motivated and self-sustaining woman to do with a forecast such as this? Two words: buy shoes.

Two more words: eat candy.

And two more: drink pop.

Now others~"professionals" (eye-roll)~might suggest this is self-destructive behavior. People like the sinewed, angry, screamy trainers on "The Biggest Loser." Which proves one of my theories. Thin=mean.

Still others might claim that this is too simplistic; that depression and weather worry simply CANNOT be dismissed with a quick trip to Target. They might insist that years of therapy are required to figure out why I want to hide out in my bathtub for the next three months, turning the hot water on with my toes (hidden talent) while reading a good book (trashy novel,) tipping a glass of DP into my mouth and opening up York Peppermint Patties with tongue and teeth, so as not to get the pages wet. To these beard wielding over thinkers, I scoff mid ice-chomp and wrap a towel around my raisinette mid-section. (I painted that picture specifically for your brain. And no, you can't get rid of it by forking out your eyeballs.)

Oh, ye of little faith. The path is straight, and narrow the way. Simple in design, far reaching in consequence and effect, with a healthy dose of self-hatred in the end. But these are things that build character, right friends? And we'll deal with them (debt, enamel rot and abdominal pork) when we have more daylight. For now, it's too dark to see straight.

Shoes, candy and pop. Come, join us as we shop. (Totally rhymes, thus it is inspired.)



.E. said...

can I replace the shoes with Converse? the Pop with Chocolate milk and the candy with Bread? if so I am in lets shop... I disdain winter.. oh how I disdain winter..and where I live ( western new york state ) it goes on far too long

Erica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erica said...

You know winter's gone on too long when, before you even OPEN your eyes in the morning, you can feel it eeeeeeeekkkking through the blinds, slurping across the floor, and slithering up the side of the bed until it's lying, all thick and dirty and territorial, all over you. I hate winter. I hate it worse than the dentist, Monday mornings, and that last 10 pounds put together. I want to move to St. George. Or the Caribbean. Or Italy.

kara elmore said...

oh my freaking hell. This is THE BEST ONE EVER!!!!!!!! And if I was REALLY trendy and a stupid crap, I would've written EVA!!! Which is stupid. And I am not stupid - so I wrote EVER. Which is the correct terminology for such a moment as this.

The raisinette abdomen. Seriously. Brilliant. HOWEVER .... you KNOW I have more stretch marks than you - AND I have LESS eyebrows (you pointed it out yourself last week while I was needing you to be kind to me. But you weren't - so I hid under the trampline and begged you not to be mad that I touched your dress... ask her - she'll explain the history behind THAT therapy session!)

ANYWAY - I say BRING ON SPRING oh ye of little narrow faith ... because Lisa and BB need it. And because the world revolves around US - it is much needed. The best thing that happens is in February - when we have a few day of "pretend spring" and we go to target and buy nonsense and we are HAPPY! And it quickly turns to stupid crap when a "much needed" snow storm reeeeeeeeeks havoc.

Now ... where was I?? I seemed to get off track just now....

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Oh this is just too much laughing...I haven't laughed like this in a long time.
Your blog...perfect therapy for days of Utah Inversions!